Elfey is a Seahawks fan!

Nothing should surprise me anymore right?  

Teensy tiny notes with itty bitty footprints, I was okay with that.

A letter direct from Santa Claus to Kaitlyn before Thanksgiving? That did happen.

Mysterious gifts being found on my daughter's bed, I guess that's normal too.

Today, I find out that Santa is a Seahawks fan.  I guess I always figured there was a North Pole football league or something.  Then, if he had to pick a sports team, Santa picks the Seahawks?  I guess that's just how it is though.

 

When I woke up this morning there was paper all over the couch.  Turns out, Elfey is not so great with, "Cutting, scissors, or tape." I mean the scissors are bigger than Elfey, I can see why that would be a problem.

To get to the point... we have a Seahawks shrine now... that's all I can think to call it.  Elfey is wearing a game day jersey, and has posted all sorts of pictures of Seahawks up there.  She's got her pennants, her 12th Man posters, flags, you name it.  

Elfey also left a note asking Kaitlyn to please make sure to turn on the football game at 5:40pm tonight, since Elfey can't move when we are around. 

Well, now we have it, straight from the Elf's note -"The Seahawks are Santa's favorite team in the NFL."

Special Delivery!

We still haven't figured out where all this stuff is coming from.  We know that some of it is from Santa himself.  The letter from him had his address and was on official Santa Letterhead.  Everyone knows that you can't just pretend to be Santa, or impersonate him, that would put you so far on the bad list that you would never get another present from Santa.

We were out in the living room, minding our own business.  Kaitlyn had conked out in the chair (stealing my spot I might add).  I went to move her covers for her and there is a delivery on her bed.  Not just a note, but STUFF!

There was an Elf Code note.  Very cute.  A shopping list with crazy things on it.  The first few items on the grocery list were, "Candy Canes, Candy Corn, Marshmallows, Giant Marshmallows, Syrup, Peppermint Patties..." and the tooth rot just went on and on.  There was a pair of super warm Christmas socks with a tag that said, "Wish you warm and cozy toes this winter.", A Christmas tree frosted cake, and a pair of candy canes shaped like a heart. 

It's all very suspicious if you ask me.

A Letter from the North Pole!

Today was the most surprising of all. 

I had run to the store, and Kelley and Kaitlyn had been home for a bit.  Kaitlyn was sent to her room to get her jammies so we can put them on.  She's in her room a few seconds and we here, "Mom, Dad, guys I think I found something."  We hear, "It happened again!". 

Having no clue what she was talking about we go to see.  There was a letter on her bed.  It was addressed to, "Kaitlyn Elizabeth, Pink Bedroom, Doern House". So, whoever it is has been stalking us, they know where she sleeps.

We go to look at the letter, and it's from Santa Claus himself! 

Inside was a letter, just for Kaitlyn!

"

Dearest Kaitlyn,

Have you been naughty or have you been nice?

I’m making my list, and I’m checking it twice.

Are you picking up your toys?

Do you make your bed each day?

If I asked your Mom & Dad, “Good or Bad?”

What would they say?

Do you mind your manners?

Say, “Thank You” and remember, “Please”?

How often do you say, “Bless You”

When someone happens to sneeze?

Are you throwing tantrums,

Yelling and throwing things?

Are you going in your pull-ups and panties?

Are you being mean?

Remember to keep your behavior good!

Be your very special best!

I may even send a friend,

To make sure you pass the “Nice List” test.

"
We have no idea how the letter got here, but at least now we know who it's from.  At the same time, this one referred to a special friend, and the other one said it would be HER special friend. 

Things are just getting more and more crazy.

Another tiny note.

Well, Kaitlyn did REALLY well today.  I was very impressed with how much better behaved she was.

We went into her bedroom to get her PJ's.  I asked Kaitlyn if she had been coloring on her bed.  Again she said no.  We walked over to her bed to find yet another miniscule note.  This one said, "Kaitlyn, It's very busy this time of year.  I won't be able to sneak a visit again, Keep up the good work, keep being good, and he'll let me be your very own special friend." There were tiny glittery holly leaves on it also.

Now, on top of the crazy note this note came with a delivery owl.  An adorable white snow owl.

Who does this type of thing?

We thought maybe it was the owl but owls don't wear shoes, and their feet are totally the wrong shape.  I told her maybe it was Tinkerbell, but then we figured Tinkerbell wouldn't be walking, she'd fly.

Curiouser and curiouser. 

Sneaky visitor

Today has been a very interesting day. 

Kaitlyn has been a terror.  Just not wanting to cooperate with anything.  She'd say she wanted milk, I pour her some milk.  She wanted her milk in a sippy cup.  I pour her milk in a sippy cup and she wanted chocolate milk.  So, chocolate milk in a sippy cup, then comes the epic, "But I wanted to stir it!".  That was just the first argument of the night.

We are getting ready to bed.  I walked into Squishes room to get her jammies.  I look over and swear that she had wrote on her window sill.  I call Kaitlyn in, ask her what she drew on her windowsill.  Kaitlyn says she didn't do anything, so we investigate.

What I thought was coloring on her windowsill turned out to be teensy tiny footprints.  I can't imagine what would leave footprints that small.  We followed the trail of footprints and they end at a itty bitty scroll.  (Seriously?  Who uses scrolls now days?)  We open up the scroll and there is a miniscule message inside.  "Kaitlyn, Please be good or I won't be allowed to come meet you."

Very curious indeed. 

We have no idea at all where this could have come from. 

We thought maybe one of her stuffed toys had done it.  Kaitlyn very forcefully reminded me that her stuffed Kitty "Sparkles" does NOT wear shoes.  My next guess was a horse, they wear shoes.  "Mommy, horses are tooooo big these are tiny foot prints."  We also discussed our cat Tazz, he's a trouble maker, but she's right he does not wear shoes.  We discussed maybe her little people toys, but again, no shoes. 

I have decided that if I ever get to have a conversation with the note leaver I am going to specify nothing exciting that close to bedtime.  After we got her calmed down she informed us that she was going to lay really still, keep her eyes closed and when she felt her visitor visiting she was going to catch him and bring him to me.

Any idea's who would leave tiny cryptic messages on a child's bed?  Not to mention we were in the house the whole time, the footprints led from the windowsill and the window was locked.  They must have magic or something to go through a locked window.

Where was God?

It doesn't happen very often, the entire country of America coming together and agreeing.  So often we look into what divides us, what holds us separate from each other, and THAT is what defines us.  We cheer for one particular baseball team, we live in one particular city.  We are Christian, Buddhist, Jewish, Amish, Atheist, wiccan, or believe something that has no name.  We are democrat or republican, independent or unsure.  We are blue collar, white collar, redneck or city slickers.  On Friday, each and every one of us was family.  We mourned as a family for each life that was taken, we gave thanks for each heart that was allowed to keep beating, and we were appalled and angered that anyone could do such a thing.  All of this, we did together, as human beings.

As the news slowly emerged, and the true horror of all that had happened, and facts were stated saying, "twenty children, ages 4 to 7, and 6 adult lives were taken by a single person at Sandy Hook Elementary school.  The killer then turned a gun on himself and took his own life."  Do not forget that he also claimed his own mother's life before any of the further carnage took place.  The total?  Twenty-eight lives, taken by one single, disturbed, life. 

The one thing that caught my attention first, was the first thing you see, on social media sites like Facebook, is the request from people to people, for prayer.  They ask us to pray for the lost, pray for the living, pray for the grieving, pray for strength for those who need it.  The one prayer I failed to see asked for was the one I think most important.  We need to pray for a world in which this type of shooting can happen.  We need to pray for a world in which this type of crime is becoming common place.  We need to pray a world in which more people will be able to tell you the name of the killer, than any single of a life that was taken.

There are a few other, rather common comments that are going around right now, that bother me.  People are asking a question: Where was God, when all these lives were taken?

There are also images on Facebook going around that say: "Dear God, Why do you allow such violence in our schools? -signed a concerned student  Dear Student, I am not allowed in schools. - God"  Do I understand what people are saying with this simple image? YES! The very people that have gone out of their way to have every single image, thought, or Word of God taken from our schools, our governments, our country are the people who first ask that question.  They want to know where "our God" was when these type of things take place.  People WANT to make the impression that we have kicked God out of lives, so how can we ask Him to intervene?

I can tell you where God was. 

God was with every single person in Newton, CT that morning.  He was with them as they got their children ready for school.  He was there as children said goodbye to their parents, as kisses and hugs, some of them the last, were given.  He was there, preparing these people for what they were about to go through, whether they believed in Him or not, God believed in them.

God was there as the killer made his way to Sandy Hill Elementary school.  God was there when the first shots went out, He was there as those first lives were escorted to the gates of Heaven.  God was there with the student that barely made it to his classroom before the horror started, a moment before and that child's life too would have been gone. 

God was with the principal, Dawn Lafferty.  God gave her the courage to face the shooter, and try to stop the shooter.  It's been said that Lafferty taking on the gunman's first initial moments of fury gave teachers and staff  precious moments to lock doors, hide children, and do all they could to protect lives.

God was with the person who thought to turn the Sandy Hill School loudspeaker system on.  The number of lives that this simple act probably saved is countless. 

"A custodian ran around, warning people there was a gunman, it was said. "He said, 'Guys! Get down! Hide!'" He survived."  God was with that man.

God was with Victoria Soto, and her students.  He was there as she was trying to get her students into a closet, to protect them from harm.  Victoria Soto died as she shielded her students from the gunman, God held her hand and finished what she was trying to do, He protected her students.

God was with the little girl, the lone survivor of one of the two classrooms, as she "played dead" and survived. God was holding her hand, keeping her still, and calm, amid the chaos around her, and He will be with her as she faces all that she will face as she grows up after living through such a thing.

God was with the woman who hid under a desk.  As she trembled, did her best to remain quiet, and starred at the shoes of the killer, just feet away, God was holding onto her, He gave her strength, and she lived.

God was with Kaitlin Roig, a teacher, and her 15 students as she hid them in a bathroom and barricaded them in with a book shelf.  God had his hand on every one of those children as they did their best to remain silent.

God was with school clerk, Maryann Jacobhim, and the 18 fourth graders she had in the library. God was there as they all first went to a small room, finding the door didn't lock, and then as they crawled to a storage room, where they too barricaded the door, and found coloring supplies.

God was with the gym teacher, and the children in her care.  God was with them as they huddled in the corner, and held them close to Him as the teachers took the scared, crying children, to an office so they could cry without being heard.
God was with an eight year old little boy and the teacher that saved him. "I saw some of the bullets going past the hall that I was right next to, and then a teacher pulled me into her classroom," said the boy.
If you have read any of the stories out there, you can see God in every single one of them.  As I was reading, I ran across this, "was armed with a military-style rifle and two semi-automatic pistols. Investigators said he possessed "multiple high-capacity magazines" for all three weapons."  The shooter could have killed, wounded, scarred, many more than he did.
God had His hand on every single locked door in that school.  Do we think that He looked the other direction while all of this was going on?  Think of the hysteria that wasn't reported on the news.  The students being led from the school by their teachers and police.  Think of how much worse things could have, would have, been if these children and teachers had panicked?  If children had done what so many adults would do, go running from the building in fear.  God was there, and still is. 

Do you think that telling teachers, "you can't pray with your students" kept a single one of those from sending up a prayer?  Do you think the "separation of church and state" kept a single person in the country from praying?  How does a Christian believer believe that God would ever say, "I'm not allowed in school"?  Does anyone think that God looked at the building and said, "well, it's a school, I can't go in there?"  As the parent's were rejoined with their children, are there any, you think, that didn't think "Thank God!", because He wasn't welcome in school?
~Tammy Doern~
December 16, 2012

Happy Birthday Papa.

Happy Birthday, Papa.

I know that you aren't "here", but I had to put some of my thoughts down.

I miss you like crazy. When buying Valentines Day Cards I automatically went to the birthday card section - it's your birthday too. I always wanted to make sure that you got birthday cards, even though it was valentines day. Sort of like kids born on Christmas, I wanted to make sure you never got gipped.

I wish you had met your granddaughter. I wish I'd had more time with you. I know I got out there every time I could, but I always regret not being there more. I spent so little time with you as a child, I wanted to make up for it. I'm so glad I made you a priority in my adult life.

The "you" I remembered as a kid was a grouchy, grumpy old man. I remember you and Grandma kicking us out of the house, no matter how cold or hot it was. "Kids shouldn't be underfoot". I remember you smoking way too much, and drinking a lot. I remember trips in your car to a drive through liquor mart and getting a pretzel stick and loving it.

My first interaction with you as an adult, was begrudging. You were sick and Joy and Pam wanted to see you put in a nursing home, and you didn't want to go. So, I packed up my life and moved in with you. I hated the smoking and remember arguing with you over your smoking while we were eating dinner (which eventually I won.)

I remember realizing that you still were in love with Grandma then too. Every single thing I did, I did wrong, I had to do it like her. Whether it was ironing your clothes, washing windows, or cooking stew. It had to be done the way Grandma did it. At first it was irritating. I was not Grandma, but then I realized how awesome it was, now days people hardly stay married and in love for a week, you stayed married a lifetime, and loved her till the day you died. You, Papa, YOU showed me that love can last forever.

The more I got to know you, the more my images were shattered. You were a grumpy grouch, yes. At the same time you had a sense of humor I never would have guessed. You said hurtful things sometimes, and when I finally got up the courage to ask why, you said because people deserved to know the truth about things. You loved trying new things, which was neat in an old guy. I remember telling you I was having gastric bypass surgery and you absolutely not wanting me to do it, telling me you "forbid" me to have it, because you didn't want me to get hurt... I think that was the first time I realized how much you cared about me. I remember calling you to find out what the bird was in our yard that was pretending to be hurt to draw us away from it's nest, and you KNOWING what it was. You told me how to keep rabbits out of my garden, and about a Grandma I barely knew.

I'm glad I got to know you, I'm glad I loved you enough to miss you. As much as it hurts, I will never regret knowing you.

One of the things that broke my heart the most at your funeral wasn't your passing. It was the fact that there was a room full of people who were your family that had no idea who you were. They didn't know you'd quit smoking, or stopped drinking. I don't think they had any idea you could tell a joke. They had never sat on the floor in front of your spot on the couch while you told story after story about your old photo's. I cried for them, I remember Kelley comforting me as a I cried for them saying, "they don't even know what they lost", and knowing it was true.

Take care Papa, we miss you. I know you are up there with my baby boy, Christopher, and I know you are taking care of him. Do me a favor and hold his hand, make sure looks both ways as he crosses the streets of Heaven.

Update June 7 to June 13

Monday June 7, 2010: I got my incision looked at and sure enough it is not healing correctly. Go figure. The doctor put some stuff on it that was supposed to burn but didn't really and prescribed antibiotics. He said it's infected and that I am doing wayyyyyy tooooo much. He basically want's me doing nothing. He said that for 6 weeks post c-section I am supposed to be waited on hand and foot. Seriously?

Another great thing... Squish actually breastfed today. She complained at first not liking to have to work for her food, but she did it! I have to say it was a proud moment for me. She is up to 4lbs 15oz so finally over her birth weight!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010: Morphine is back down to every 6 hours. Kelley was exhausted and didn't get to visit her today, and missed her like crazy. Grandma got to spend a little bit of time with her and hold her again.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010: Kaitlyn's morphine was lowered by 10% so it is now 0.09 per kilo. The doctors are saying that this is the quickest they have ever weened a baby.

I'm staying at Jason and Alex's again tonight to spend more time with Squish without the drive. I am so thankful that they are letting me do this and not too upset that I'm crashing at their place.

Thursday, June 10, 2010: Kaitlyn is up to 5lbs 4oz! She did have a rough day, but her nurse thinks it's due to the fact that she chugged down 80ml of food and ate herself to a tummy ache. She was really hard to keep calm and such. Dr. Z is guessing less than 2 weeks until she gets to come home!

Friday, June 11, 2010: 5lbs 5oz and lowered her morphine again to 0.08 per kilo.

Saturday, June 12, 2010: Squish is up to 5lbs 7oz and got to breastfeed again. Based on my pumping we are guessing she got 30ml all by herself. Later during the day she projectile vomited all over the floor, missing daddy by inches. I have to say Kelley took it like a champ and didn't throw up or anything himself. Doctors are talking about lowering her morphine to 0.07 per kilo tomorrow, amazed she is taking it so well.

Stayed at Jason and Alex's again... they are amazing.

Sunday, June 13, 2010: 5lbs 9oz. Breastfed again, it took a bit, but Kaitlyn nursed for her whole 30 minutes and did not want to come off. They lowered her morphine and she is doing well.

Updates June 4, 2010 to June 6, 2010

Friday, June 4, 2010: The oxygen is out! She's doing great. She's also doing so well that they are weeing her faster than they have any other baby, the morphine is down to every 6 hours. We are staying at Jason and Alex's for the weekend so we can spend more time with the baby without the long drive. My c-section isn't seeming "right"

(yes that is a whole entire Squishes, except that one arm you can't see, okay, maybe not an entire Squish, but close.)


Saturday, June 5, 2010: Squish had a bad night so they moved the morphine back to every 4 hours. Jason and Alex got to hold her today. She is eating so well that they are letting Kaitlyn eat all that she want's too up to 2oz (60ml).

Sunday, June 6, 2010: Kaitlyn is still eating like a champ, eating all 60ml that they will allow her, holding it down, and wanting more. Matt and Annette got to see her and hold her today.

I think I'm going to get my c-section checked out. It's draining and doesn't feel closed right. Figure I will call in the AM and get it looked at. They had better not plan on taking too long or keeping me from Kaitlyn.

Thank you Jason and Alex for letting us stay with you!

Quick Update... May 31 to June 3

I have been keeping a sort of pregnancy diary, and now a baby diary. Here are what I wrote in it:

Monday, May 31, 2010: Kaitlyn got her first feeding today. A whole whopping 10ml, and loved it. I was actually able to hold her today for the first time in what they call Kangaroo Care. Basically I open my shirt and hold her against me, skin on skin. It was great to see all her vital signs lower closer to normal just with that contact. Kelley got to hold her too, and she did even better with him, she's a daddy's girl already.

(If this photo doesn't show you how tiny she is, nothing will.)

Tuesday, June 1, 2010: Squish is up to 15ml of food. Grandma Cathy got to hold her today also and noticed that she has a few of my features. She has my "pointer toe", where her second toe is actually longer than her big toe. Squish is having very high scores on the withdrawal board - and they are considering giving her morphine. Her food it also to be upped 5ml each feed since she is eating so well, until she hits 35ml.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010: Kaitlyn is a different baby today. They gave her the morphine dose and will every 3 hours when they feed her. Her whole body is more relaxed. She is eating so well the IV is turned off, but left in "just in case" so they do not have to stick her again.

Thursday, June 3, 2010: Kaitlyn has been downgraded. The IV is out. I got a great surprise walking around the corner and seeing her in a different bed, with clothes on and a bow in her hair. All she has now are the air and the monitors! (YES! She has clothes on! God Bless the night nurse who gave her a bath and decided to surprise us with a dressed up Squishes!)

From 6/2/2010 - Squishes "condition"

I know a lot of you have been following this, and wanting more info. Here is an email I sent out:

Things are exhausting, but everyone is doing good.

I'm not sure what you know, but Kaitlyn ended up being life flighted to Phoenix when we had her on Friday night. She was grunting instead of breathing and crying, and showing other signs of respiratory distress, so to be on the safe side they had her sent to the hospital in Phoenix. I'll get the name of the hospital when we are up there later... I just know how to get there.

Saturday her breathing issues got worse - which is what Dr. Z (the neonatologist taking care of her) said would happen. Her breaths per minute was all the way up to 125-135 per minute which was very bad, and dangerous. The put some stuff called surfactant in her lungs, and put her on a CPAP machine to force air in. It did wonders and within an hour her rate was down in the 50's. (20-60 is a good rate for newborns) We had been warned that the CPAP could damage her lung, and it did. She developed a small tear from it that caused her left lung to collapse part way. They took her off the CPAP and put her on just a tube in her nose for the air. The CPAP had done it's job and gotten her airways working by then, and the tube relaxed her lungs enough that they could re-inflate and the tear has been healing, they think it's probably all the way, or close to all the way healed now. (They don't want to do xrays all the time on a baby so small). She still has some issues with her lungs, but she's getting better. One of the things is that when she eats they think the pressure of the food filling her tummy presses on her left lung and she has to work harder to breathe, so the % of oxygen in her blood drops - but that is getting better daily. They planned 2-4 more weeks of time in the NICU for those problems.

Kaitlyn also started having problems Tuesday that got really bad on Wednesday with coming off of my pain medications. They ended up having to start giving her a tiny dose of morphine, rather than have her suffering. They are having to ween her off the morphine slowly, and we've been giving a 2-3-4 week guess on that process as well, but have been told that some babies take as long as 2-3 months, or longer, depending on how much and what the mom was taking. So far they have weened her more quickly than they have any other baby. Dr. Z said that I did a great job weening off the medication, and that she probably would have been fine if she had stayed put till her due date. I feel really bad knowing that it's my back problems, and my pain medication that had her suffering, but the doctors and nurses have all told me that with my pain and problems I probably would have miscarried her, or she would have been born weeks earlier without it. The pain can cause you to miscarry in the first and second trimester, your body saying you have too much wrong to bring another life into the world and take care of it - so if I hadn't taken it then we could have lost her then. If I had stopped taking it sooner, or weened to quickly the pain would have caused me to go into labor and she would have been born earlier, as it is they think my back pain is what caused me to start having contractions all the time after I hit 30 weeks. Dr Z said I did what I had to do to keep her in me, and safe and healthy in there - his job is to get her well enough to come home.

I'm doing well - I'm exhausted, but it's so worth it. I'm pumping breast milk every 2 hours most of the time for Squish to drink, as it turns out she is quite the little piggy when it comes to feeding. I get a 4 hour stretch of sleep at night and that's it - after that every 2 hours I pump for 15-30 minutes so it's a little bit tiring. At the same time  I know how good it is for her, and seeing her guzzle it down feels good.

From 5/31/2010 - We got to hold her!

I called the NICU this morning to ask how Squish is doing, and was told okay. They said that she ate okay, and asked if I would want to feed her. DUH! I told her that we had been told not to expect this for a little bit, so she went and double checked and said that we would be allowed to feed her and hold when we showed up at her feeding time if her condition remained the same.

I told Kelley, and lets just say we were out of the house faster than lightning!

You know you look at your baby and she looks so tiny, and then you feel her in your arms and you realize she IS tiny. The whole whopping 4lbs 14oz of her.

I will say that Kelley was amazing.  He had been at the hospital much more than me, and all he had been allowed to do so far was sit and stare.  I offered to let him hold her first, and he let me. 

I'm not trying to take away that first moment all mom's go through that moment they finally have their baby in their arms, and can see a face.  It's an amazing moment when you get to see the reality of that child that has been beating you up from the inside, and hold them in your arms.  At the same time, my daughter had been in the world for 3 days already, and she had never been in my arms.  I'd gotten to touch her a few times, that was it.  Kelley had spent hours by her side, and not hold her.  That moment you wait for your whole pregnancy, the moment when the baby comes wailing into the world, announcing their arrival, and the doctor places that beautiful life into your arms, we didn't get that.  We got a grunting baby and watching her be whisked away.  For us, THIS was THAT moment you wait for.  

The NICU also does something you may have heard of "kangaroo care" basically having you hold your baby against your skin, it's amazing the healing properties skin on skin has for both adults and children.

Kaitlyn with a toy that Tina Hawkins gave her.  The green pacifier is the same one you see in the stores, and those are the standard air tubes and such on her, that I think gives a good idea of how tiny she is.

Squishes with her Daddy in Kangaroo care.  (She loved being in her Daddy's arms by the way.  All of her stats shot up great while she was in his arms.)

From 5/30/2010 - Meeting her!

The drive to hospital in Phoenix wasn't easy, but it was worth it. Here she is:

When we walk into the hospital, Kelley has to show me the way. I must say that I am impressed with all the security measures they have taken to ensure the safety of the babies. I start getting nervous the closer we get, what if I don't recognize her? What if I don't feel a connection with her?

The first thing they ask you to do when you arrive is wash your hands, and they checked Kelley for a wristband they had given him, and compared it to the one on Squish to make sure that he is allowed to see her. They then check me and give me a band of my own. A neo-natologist comes over to talk to me to double check the info they have on me and all the stuff during pregnancy to make sure they are doing what is best for Kaitlyn.

One of the nurses asked if I wanted to hold Kaitlyn.  DUH.  At the same time, they hadn't yet allowed Kelley to hold her for a reason.  I told her I wasn't sure we were allowed to yet, so she went and checked, and nope, no holding her.  At the same time there was my child.  She was there, and real, and beautiful, and mine.  

From 5/30/2010 Woo hoo! Freedom!

I must say that no one looks forward to being separated from their newborn child. Some people have problems being apart from their 20 year olds, so I think, enough said. For me, the hardest thing in the world was getting a brief glimpse of my child in the operating room, having her whisked away to the nursery due to breathing, then finally feeling I'm going to get to see her and being told she's being taken to another city and I cannot leave for 72 hours.

Sitting in the hospital was more than frustrating. I wanted to see my daughter, I wanted to hold her, I wanted to smell her, and touch her, and she was 60 miles away.

In the middle of the night after surgery a lady comes in while my mom is sleeping next to the bed and tells me it's time for me to try sitting up, or I can wait till morning. I told her I wanted up NOW. So, I sat up, and then ask her if I can walk. She told me that I didn't have to, it was going to be hard and wasn't required yet. I know how these things work by now, you have to do x, y, and z in order to get out of the hospital and I planned on doing those as soon as I could. I didn't make it very far, but I did walk.

I can say that a C-section hurts, it doesn't help that the nurses feel the need to come in and push on your uterus and make it hurt worse all the time.

At this point I am bound and determined to get out of the hospital as soon a possible, so I'm walking as much as I can, I'm doing everything I can think of to get out of their. The only thing holding me back from seeing my baby is the hospital.

I guess hospital rules state that after a c-section you are supposed to remain for 72 hours. It got to the point where I told the nurses I wanted out, and I had met all of their criteria except for the number of hours in the hospital. The nurses told me Sunday morning that they were going to recommend to allow me to leave early so long as I took it easy. They did, and finally the doctor came in to talk to me. She let me know that technically she should hold me longer post-op, but that she felt and agreed with the nurses that keeping Kaitlyn and I apart was bad for both of us, and would put that as part of the reason allowing me to leave early.

I called Kelley and my mom, and we made plans to leave from the hospital to head to see Squish. The emotions running through me are unexplainable. I can't wait.

Squish is here!

Okay - I know this is a little bit late for most of you, but it's been a busy week!

A lot of you knew that I kept thinking May 28th was going to be the day. Kelley put it best when he was telling someone "Tammy got one of her feelings, and when she gets one of her feelings you listen to her" - or something like that.

I went in for my NST on Friday morning. Things were looking okay, other than Kaitlyn being a tad bit lazy. We were having some trouble getting her to wiggle - but it was nap time after all, I mean what did we expect? The nurse in charge of the NST and I were talking and I told her that I had a feeling Kaitlyn was coming out today. After the NST went a bit she came in and told me not to drink any more she didn't trust my daughter, but trusted my intuition. Then Dr. Terai came in and let me know she was a little bit concerned, there were a few heart decelerations that had her worried. They weren't scary or anything, just something that had never happened on a NST with Kaitlyn before.

Dr. Terai called Dr. Dixon's office, wanting to see if he would come evaluate me at the hospital (I was there for the NST). My appointment was scheduled for 1pm with him that afternoon for the growth scan. She was hoping since I was on his schedule any way he would run over when he was done with patients and check me there. Dr. Terai wasn't 100% comfortable with me getting off of the monitoring or being discharged from the hospital. Funny thing is - this was about the time I started feeling the contractions that had been showing up like clockwork every 10 minutes. Dr. Dixon explained he did not have time to run over, had my NST faxed over for him to look at. The NST was stable then - and had been for an hour, so he said to discharge me in time for me to make it to my appointment with him, and he'd evaluate me there.

I got to my appointment with Dr. Dixon right at 1pm. They started the growth scan and Squish wasn't much bigger, and as I thought was still in breech position. Dr. Dixon came in to take a look and they also checked my amniotic fluid - they score amniotic fluid levels in the uterus on a scale of 5 to 18 (I think) or maybe 1-20 but 5 is the lowest they consider safe for a baby. My amniotic fluid was at 6. Dr. Dixon said he wanted to make a few phone calls, to sit tight and he'd be back. He came back in the office and said it looked like today was the day. I was to leave there and head to the hospital for a c-section that evening.

I left the appointment and called Kelley, asked him if he minded leaving work a little bit early... so he headed up to the hospital. I will admit that as we arrived in the hospital parking lot it hit me - I'm having a baby. I mean really, was I READY to have a baby? Uhm... NO. The house wasn't clean, the nursery wasn't done, I was just sort of guessing I might know how to breast feed, my birthing classes were supposed to start on June 5th! I was NOT ready to have a baby! Kelley said I should have thought about that, say, 9 or 10 months before that?

I get to the hospital, Mom is out in the waiting room with Gino waiting for a friend to come pick him up and watch him. (THANK YOU JEN!) Kelley got to the hospital, and came back to hang out with me. My c-section had been scheduled at the end of the day, there were 2 surgeries ahead of me. They wanted to make sure given the NST and such that they had nothing else going on around my c-section in case it ended up being eventful. (Is my life ever not?) Mom came back after Jen (THANK YOU AGAIN!) picked up Gino - and we just sort of hung out. A few of the nurses new me and came to say hi and say congrats on getting there...

The C-section and rest story will come tomorrow! (It's time to pump and then hit the hay!)

From 5/28/2010 - Flayed like a fish

Well, when it finally came down to "hey you are getting c-sectioned" the one thing that came to mind was being filleted like a fish. I still kind of wonder if that's what it was like.

For the c-section they got me all hooked up to the machines... got Squish hooked up to the baby monitors and all of that jazz.

They wheel me into the procedure room... now really, can they make these rooms any more intimidating? It is sort of like what you picture, and hear about, from alien abductions. You feel like a specimen under a microscope. All these lights pointed at you, in a room full of scary machines.

The anesthesiologist comes in and starts talking to me. Getting prepped to do the epidural. I was told that it was going to be "hit or miss" and it was. They had me sit on the table, and you bend over a bit, sort of doing the hunch back thing. They get out the epidural kit - put a paper over my back with a square in the middle. Then they go and clean and prep the epidural area with whatever that red/orange stuff is. All I can tell you was that it was cold. Then they numb my back with some stuff, and the chick starts pushing here and there asking if I can feel it. They get me all lined up, hunched over with a nurse standing next to me.

They have me put my chin to my chest and hunch as much as I can. I can't feel the needle go in, but I could feel when it go around my spine. Then they were asking me to say what it felt like, to me it felt to the right, and I told them. They had missed. It sort of reminds me of the feeling of popping your knuckles or something, what I imagine cartilage on cartilage feels like. Also, sort of like a bubble pushing where it shouldn't be. Anyways, rinse this process and repeat 4 more times. Then the lady asks for back up. They were going to try one more time for the epi, and if that didn't go then they would put me under general and knock me out. They bring in the other guy, and finally nail the epidural.

I start going numb - yay! They let Kelley in the room (finally). Now, you hear about doctors leaving stuff in patients all the time, what's hilarious is knowing how serious they are about NOT leaving things in patients. There is a list on the wall and the nurses are counting out how many of each item they have, checking this and that. Making sure that every piece of equipment is counted for...

Dr. Edwards comes in with Dr. Terai and asks if I'm ready. Kelley is standing up by my head with me and they get going. It was a lot less scary at that point than I thought it would be. I couldn't feel anything. All I could think was that I was about to meet my baby. We were finally going to get to meet her.

All I remember is that when they said she was out the nurses made a few comments about how Squish was going to like wearing necklaces when she got older. I didn't get it at all. I also remember being afraid because she wasn't crying loud like you hear about in movies and what not. I heard a weak cry.

A nurse brings Kaitlyn over and there she was. The most beautiful baby I had ever seen. The nurse also let me know that there wasn't anything to be worried about but that she wasn't crying really well, more grunting so they were going to take her to the nursery to check on her. She had Kelley go with her.

Dr. Edwards worked on cleaning me up, and closing me up. Again, I didn't feel anything. I got wheeled down to recovery where they were very friendly. One thing that was weird was I guess they press and massage your uterus to get it to shrink back down... the nurse down there was putting her entire body weight down behind pushing on my uterus and I couldn't feel a thing. She was standing on a stool pushing and manipulating my uterus so much it was moving the whole bed I was in and I couldn't feel it. I kept asking about Kaitlyn, but they couldn't tell me anything, they didn't know anything.

Anyways, I get wheeled up to the room, and Kelley and my mom walk in. The look on their faces told me something was wrong. I asked what it was and they said that Squish was going to be fine, but as a precaution they were moving her to Phoenix. "Just in case." I couldn't see her because of the c-section, and because of the breathing issues they couldn't bring her to me. The nurse told me that the flight crew would bring her in really quick before they left with her.

Now, scary is seeing your little tiny newborn baby in an incubation thingy, on a gurny, surrounded by medical stuff. I can't quite say seeing her... all I could see was a little arm wrapped in gauze where they put her IV in. Then they wheeled her out. All I could think was the worst. I kept thinking about Christopher and how I may never see her alive again, and I had only seen her for maybe a minute total. I wasn't even sure if it came down to it I could pick her out of other babies. Scary. A nightmare, the worse things you can think of were coming to my mind all I wanted was my daughter, with me.

Kelley got in the car and drove to Phoenix to get there to be with her as soon as he could.

When Kaitlyn arrived in Phoenix the doctor there, Dr. Z called me. He let me know that Squish was going to be okay. He also told me that she was going to get worse before she got better. Her breathing had gotten worse, and they thought it was going to get even worse. At the time they couldn't justify putting surfactant in her lungs, but that she was going to need it. They would also put put her on a CPAP machine when they did it. Dr. Z also told me that he had patients that were much worse, and not to worry she was in good hands.

Never a dull moment...

Well my testing is scheduled for tomorrow. I have a NST at 9am, and then Kaitlyn's follow up growth ultrasound set for 1PM. I kept figuring things would happen tomorrow.

I've been having contractions for almost two weeks now. I've never felt any of them really, I mean now and then I'd have a decent one, but none of them bothered me.

During one of my million trips to the bathroom last night I had a contraction I felt, and it was like "huh, I think I've felt one each time I've been up, cool." That was it. About 3am I got up and had two while I was awake, no biggie. I woke up at 4am and had one that hurt clear through to my back (back labor contractions are soooo fun). Not much later I had another one. A light bulb goes off - maybe I should be keeping track of these things. So I watch the clock. Come to find out I'm having decent contractions every 6-8 minutes.

In my mind I'm going - these don't hurt that much, I could just wait till they hurt. I don't want to wake Kelley and waste his time for nothing. Then another thing occurs to me - my doctor said I was close and things could happen any day now. He also said if I started having regular contractions not to mess around because the cerclage could rip my cervix apart.

I finally decide to wake Kelley up. I tap him on the shoulder and ask him when he gets up for work. He tells me 5:15am - I asked him how set he was on going in to work this morning. He was still 90% asleep and asked why. I told him I was having contractions every 6-8 minutes. He sort of grunted and rolled over a bit to go back to sleep. I think it occurred to him a few seconds later when her turned and asked me what that meant. Was sort of cute. I let him know I could get mom to drive me, but I'd prefer him.

So we get to the hospital, I get hooked up and the nurse tells me I'm not having any contractions. I was a little bit peeved. I was out of bed at 5am, woke Kelley up early, and he's missing work and I'm not having contractions? I simply couldn't believe it. Then I had a really good contractions that I KNEW was a contraction. It didn't show up on her monitor. At the same time Kaitlyn's heart rate dropped during the contraction as well. So the nurse came back and I told her that with Christopher it didn't pick the contractions up because they are 95% in my back - or at least thats what I guess. I described the contractions to her and asked her to move the monitor... she did.

I've also been leaking some fluid, she checked me internally to make sure it wasn't amniotic fluid, and then went to talk to the doctor on call. She came back a little bit later and apologized, said I WAS having contractions every 6-8 minutes that were lasting 30 seconds to a minute. (I said so). They decided to give me a shot of terbutaline to stop the contractions, which worked. The contractions stopped and I was let go home.

Good news is Kaitlyn was super active, wiggling away in there, and her heart rate looked great. The nurse was even impressed at her activity level.

I've had a few contractions today, but nothing major. Kelley didn't have to take the whole day off - and Squish is still squished in my tummy. I don't think she's happy about it. She's been nice and feisty all day. Lets just say that when she is in the mood her little feet can hit some places that hurt pretty darn good.

As I said tomorrow is the day for the testing. I'm hoping she's grown a bit - even a little bit. Just enough to count and measure it. Enough for them to let her decide when it's time for her to be born. At the same time if she's not doing well then I hope they decide to take her out and let her do better on the outside. We will see. I think it's also going to be interesting finding out if she's still breech or not. I think she is, but I also know she's been moving a lot and I can't quite feel how she is sitting in there. If she hasn't turned, chances are that she's not going to.

I'm also hoping to find out what's going on with my cerclage. I'm dilated a bit even with it in, so not sure what will happen when it's clipped. I guess I just can't have a regular boring pregnancy?

It's all in God's hands though. He could pack 2 pounds on her tonight if He wants to, turn her on a dime, or send me into labor tonight.

In other news it's a year now since my hospitalization and emergency surgery. When they redid my internal bowel hernia and moved my insides all about. Sort of bittersweet to know that they went through so much to keep Christopher safe and we lost him anyways, and here I am waiting to go any labor any day with Kaitlyn.

I'll update when I can, as soon as I can. Might be getting baby pictures tomorrow night, or a hey they are letting me stay pregnant! We shall see. Just can't be bored with Squishes.

5/25/10 - Update "Any day now"

Squish passed her NST. I will say these tests are anything but boring with her. The tests are supposed to take about 20-30 minutes and normally take about an hour with my little girl. It takes forever just to get her hooked up, with her kicking and punching away from the heart monitor. Today was even more fun - their machine wasn't picking up her heart rate all the time even though we could hear it perfectly. THEN there were times it decided it wanted mine instead and would put that up there. When the fetal heart rate is about 130-160 and mine in the 60 I think it sort of messes up the test.

We also found out that I'm having quite a few contractions. None of them seem like much to me, but they are showing up good on their contraction monitor. The fun part of this that when you are having certain contractions your stomach hardens, which makes it really hard to get the heart rate of the baby... so it was messing it up more. Then after a particularly nasty contraction (that really hurt my back) they had to find her all over again.

Another thing was that today they did the "group b strep test" it's a test for (duh) group b strep. If I'm a carrier it will just mean that they give me antibiotics during delivery to keep Squishes from getting it. While he was doing that since I've been having contractions and cramping and some other things he felt my cervix. I was told that I'm dilated through the cerclage - meaning that even with the cerclage in place my cervix is open a bit. Kaitlyn is also really really low and dropped down. Dr. Edwards said that I could go into labor at any moment... and not to mess around when I do.

If I go into labor before the cerclage comes out I have to get in and get it cut ASAP to keep it from ripping my cervix. Dr. Edwards also said that it didn't feel like a head down by my cervix - which means our rotten little princess is probably still breech (which they don't expect to change) - and means I'll be c-sectioned.

My next appointments are on Friday - which is when I figure things are going to happen. I have a NST in the morning and then a growth check on Kaitlyn's size that afternoon. I'm still expecting them to decide it's time for her to come out then. If not I was told to demand a cerclage removal date - and that it's in my notes it needs to come out. I was also told to expect labor to start when the cerclage is taken out...

Labor and delivery is whenever Kaitlyn decides. It could be tonight, Friday, or two weeks. I know he said "any day now" but I know of women who have been dilated and dropped and ended up induced weeks later. We will see!

Friday sure was interesting! (May 21, 2010)

Well, as the title says, Friday was an interesting day.

Kaitlyn decided she was going to be difficult, and difficult she was. The day started off just fine, Kaitlyn being herself, sticking to her normal schedule of awake and asleep time.

Mom decided to take me to my NST that was scheduled for that afternoon. We decided to eat out while we were out, then hit Walmart for a few things. Which we did. We ate about 11:30am, my NST was scheduled at 1:15pm.

We get to the NST and Squish decided it was nap time, she slept through the whole thing. Well, it's hard to pass a test when you sleep through it. So the doctor ordered a bio-physical profile - which Kaitlyn also decided she was sleeping through. We tried waking her up and she was having none of it.

The doctor told me to go get something with sugar, caffeine, and that was cold - then head to the hospital for another NST and bio-physical profile. I downed 1/2 a can of coke and headed over. Squish was wide awake for the NST - she passed with flying colors. The coke had her wide awake (it was about 4pm at this time). The sonographer gets up to labor and delivery to do the bio-physical profile and Kaitlyn falls right back to sleep.

The poor guy was there for 45 minutes trying to get her to move. Without her waking up and moving she would fail the profile, and if she failed the profile she was getting pulled out. Also, with her failing the profile it would mean an automatic c-section because they couldn't be sure she would survive a vaginal delivery.

I'm starting to get worried. If you've read this thing at all you know Kaitlyn is not the lazy baby we all would love to have. She's an over-actor and loves to punch and bounce and kick and beat me up. She loves to wiggle her way through everything and make getting things done as difficult as possible. I was starting to freak out a bit, okay, not a bit. At the same time, we've made it to 35 weeks - I'm 36 weeks now, I told her she was grounded until 35 weeks, so if it came down to them pulling her out, I was okay with that.

Good news is that, finally, at the end of the bio- 40 minutes after it started (the most they let it last is 45) Squish did a little bit of wiggling and was given a 8/8 on her bio. ROTTEN ROTTEN little girl!

After talking to the nurses, by now it was 5:30pm - they told me to eat and get some sugar in me and if she didn't wake up then to come back in. The assumption was that it had been 5 hours since I'd eaten, my blood sugar was probably low. They figured that the coke gave her a sugar spike and then it plummeted back down, which was why I was exhausted and she was sleeping.

We ate, and then she perked right up and so did I. So once again, we scraped by our tests, and we got to keep her in just a tad bit longer.

We have another NST scheduled for Tuesday. Then a growth scan scheduled Friday morning, and a NST for Friday afternoon. I have a feeling that Squish is probably going to be coming soon - I don't think she'll have grown that much as of Friday and they will be deciding to pull her out. I'm hoping I'm wrong because it means she's not thriving, but we will see.

In news about me:
-I'm here. :)
-I feel like a beached whale 95% of the time, and the other 5% of the time I feel like a really fat beached whale.
-For those guys who think that pregnant women have it easy - try strapping a beach ball to your belly that weighs 30 pounds and doing all your regular activities with it there. Just getting out of bed in the middle of the night is a feat sometimes. I have to move my legs then try to move my beach ball to the edge of the bed, THEN try heft me AND the 30 pound beach ball out of bed.
-I'm planning on having mom take some maternity pictures of me tomorrow to have them. Now that's a plan, not a sure thing.
-My back is killing me - I'll be honest with that. Squish has learned how to move just right and put pressure in all the "right" spots with my back. She squirms just right and it feels like she's trying to kill me sometimes. She also has this neat trick learned where she can hiccup and hit both of my sciatic nerves at the same time. LOADS of fun. The thing is - if it means having this little girl safely and happily in our lives, it's all worth it.
-I'm starving all the time again, but Squish is getting more and more finicky over what she'll let me eat. If she gives me a craving then it's either eat that, or eat nothing. It's a good thing she has yet to give me something I couldn't get to for a craving.

Snickers are not night time food...

I found out last night that no matter how badly you want a snickers bar if you want any sleep (and are pregnant) do not eat it just prior to (trying to) go to sleep.

It never occurred to me how the sugar would hit Squish. It's probably the most sugar I've had in one sitting in two years - I thought it might upset my stomach, but never thought about Squishes. Turns out that a Snickers bar turns my daughter into a jumping bean. A jumping bean with really good arms and legs and feet that like to kick. I *tried* to go to sleep around 9:30pm - about 20 minutes after the Snickers... it was "wow she's moving a lot for this late at night". She just kept jumping and jiggling.

It wasn't until about 10:30pm that I started wondering where she got all this energy from. At about 11pm, my poor uterus getting super sore from the battering ram that was beating it to smithereens I starting wondering what my daughter was on that had her so frisky. At about midnight it dawned on me - DUH! snickers bar + baby = super hyper baby and no sleep.

She finally calmed down around 1am. So, I can say I have learned my lesson - no candy bars just before bedtime, no matter how good they sound. At the same time, I should bring a candy bar with me to her NST's and other tests in case she's thinking of sleeping through them. That or I decide to make the sonographer's work really hard and want to watch them struggle with my little super bouncy ball.