Pictures from the house fire . . .

When I first posted about the house fire I had taken the pictures, just not uploaded them. I uploaded some of them and took a quick shot of how the patio looks now. Figured I would share them with everyone.


This picture is of the main area that caught fire. If you look at the left of the photo that is our sliding glass patio doors. Up against that wall was a 6ft five shelf bookcase, a metal smoker, a 4ft long by 3ft high(ish) shelf next to that one. There was a 50 gallon plastic bin that had lots of gardening goods in there as well.


The roof of the patio - you can see the sliding glass doors in this one also.


The patio furniture that is to the left as you face the patio doors. They were about six to seven feet from the actual fire. As you can see the metal wicker part of the chairs is melted - also the planter that was seven/eight feet away had the side next to the fire melted off completely. The pillows that are out there for my back melted also, even from that far from the fire.


This is a picture of the wall, again, that had the 5 shelf bookcase and the other shelf along with two metal smokers. The one smoker was completely gone, the other just melted a bit - you can see it laying on it's side.


A good shot of the sliding glass doors and our Chubbs standing in the doorway. The sliding screen door was melted - it shattered the first pane of glass on each of the doors, both doors were warped, the plastic holding the pane of glass that didn't shattered was melted as well.


A view from the sliding glass doors. That metal piece in the middle is all that was left of Kelley's little smoker - the rest of the metal was just gone.


Another shot from the sliding glass doors out.



And the fixed product:
http://inlinethumb57.webshots.com/35000/2275347350101825589S425x425Q85.jpg

Follow up OB visit

Yesterday (Friday) was my follow up appointment with Dr. Leeds. I was supposed to return to see her within two weeks, but to be honest just couldn't make the appointment. I finally did, and returned to see her.

Dr. Leeds and I talked about a lot of the questions I've had and it made me feel better that she agrees on most things with me.

She asked me if I was on birth control, as we have to wait two full cycles to try again. I told her that I didn't see the point of starting taking pills that take a month to work, just to stop taking them again. She agreed on that, as long as we used protection.

I asked her about a question I had based on what a nurse at the hospital said. The nurse had said that they would monitor my cervical length weekly, and if it changed they would then put the cerclage in. That wasn't good enough for me. I had an ultrasound Friday showing everything fine, and my cervix had opened by Wednesday. I told her I wanted the cerclage in as soon as possible, I'm not willing to risk this happening again. She said that sounded like a reasonable request given my situation and she supported me in that.

Not sure how many are actually reading this - but another thing she made sure I understood was that the cerclage would not be put in before as soon as we find out we are pregnant. I understand this, but for some it might not make sense. Statistically about 1/3 of pregnancies end in miscarriage - most of those being before the woman has even missed her period, or realized she could possibly be pregnant. 90%ish of miscarriages occur during the first trimester (no these aren't hard fact numbers just guestimates of what I've been told/read). These losses are normally due to their being a problem/birth defect with the baby that our bodies know, not a problem with the mother. Doctors do not want to preform the cerclage surgery on a mother, risking infection and all the risks of surgery, for her body to naturally miscarry the baby. If they do that the mom risks infection and worse from her body holding in a baby that has miscarried, and they won't know until the next time she has an ultrasound done. I'm not sure if I explained that well enough, hope it makes sense.

Dr. Leeds also let me know that at 14 weeks I would start getting weekly shots. The shots would be to help the baby mature quicker. It will help the babies lungs, heart and such become stronger so that baby has a better chance of surviving if we end up giving birth early again.

She also mentioned they have medication I would be given to prevent contractions as well.

I thanked Dr. Leeds, again, for letting Kelley and I fight for Christopher. Even when all the high risk doctors she spoke to were telling her to force us to induce right away, Dr. Leeds let us at least TRY to see if Chris could be saved. Giving us the opportunity to fight, to see if things could get better, helped us more than words could ever say. We know that we didn't just give up, we know we did everything we could to save our son, if she hadn't allowed us that we would forever have been asking "what if". The answer I received was "Those doctors weren't there and weren't the ones that would have had to tell you 'no'. Those doctors didn't see that you weren't ready to give up." She said that she knew that we weren't willing to quit without a fight, and that there was still a very slim chance things could have gotten better. She said she knew that no matter how small that chance we wanted to at least TRY. Knowing that Dr. Leeds realized we would have done anything meant a lot to me.

I asked Dr. Leeds if she would mind being the main doctor at Sun Life in charge of our pregnancy and she said she'd be honored. That she hoped to see me, when we were ready, pregnant again and that she would be happy to help bring that baby home with us. She said that my next pregnancy will mean all that much more to her because of what we'd been through together and that she would never forget Kelley, Christopher and I.

So, that is the latest update on "things". Kelley and I are doing okay still. I've had a few rough days, but I've gotten through those. Kelley has been amazing, always there for me in any way I need him. It's also been great to know that our friends and family are there too. Thank you, everyone, for all the prayers and good wishes you are sending our way, they mean more than words could ever say.

~Tammy~

How it feels . . .

This is something I wrote close to three weeks ago. It was a bit of what I was feeling at the time. When this was wrote I had no intention of sharing it with anyone, it was just a way of venting at the time. Someone told me I should share it more, so here it is.

I can't imagine this is just how "I" feel, or felt at the time. I think anyone who has suffered a loss too early feels a lot of the same things.

"You know when you leave the hospital after giving birth to a baby who God took way too soon they give you lots of information. The doctors and nurses, and even well meaning friends and family say lots of different things. The fact is though, no one seems to say it all, or know when to leave well enough alone. People mean well, but if they've never been there they don't get that sometimes the best medicine is a hug, and knowing that they care. Even if they have been there, their three losses doesn't make this loss of yours hurt less. The fact that their mother's sister's cousin's stepfather's monkey lost two babies doesn't make this loss any easier to take.

They tell you that you are going to bleed, you just gave birth. The nurses are as compassionate and as kind as they can be as they give you the pads and tell you that you might have a period for the next six weeks - to expect what seems like a lot of blood for awhile. They don't tell you that sometimes you wish there were more pain to go with the blood, that maybe that pain, physical pain, would hurt less than feeling this pain coming from everywhere in you, and everywhere you look. The nurses tell you to take motrin for the cramping, it will make it a little easier. Don't they get that you want to feel pain, physical pain would be so much easier to deal with. You want a pain that would take your mind and spirit off of the pain that seems to be ripping you apart, one tiny piece of your heart at a time.

They tell you that your body has to go through the natural birth process, and the bleeding is part of that. What's natural about a baby leaving this world before he ever came into it? What's natural about losing a child? What's natural about them telling you that there is no choice, it's either the baby, or you and the baby? They don't seem to understand that sometimes you wish it had been both of you, because at least then you'd be with him. At least if you'd gone with him then your arm's wouldn't be aching to hold him knowing they never will. At least then you could see him open his eyes. At least then your heart wouldn't feel so far away.

Another thing that they share with you is that there is a strong chance that your milk is going to come in. They tell you what to do, wrap up your chest tight, take cold showers, don't let running water run over your chest, don't allow your nipples to be stimulated. The nurses don't warn you that your body doesn't know you've lost the child you've been dreaming of. No one tells you that you'll have to walk through a Target store to get a sport bra, to hold your boobs tightly, to help keep your breasts from hurting from your milk coming in to feed the child that isn't there. The nurses don't tell you that hearing a baby cry will make your chest ache in a way that it's never ached before, a way that is just one more reminder of how you failed your child.

Another thing I've noticed is that everyone wants to know how you are doing; you as in the mom. No one seems to ask how daddy is doing. No one seems to understand that watching dad go through this pain is worse than going through it yourself. Nobody realizes that you would give anything to be able to take that pain away from him. There isn't anyone out there that warns you that you'll forever wonder if dad would have been better off never knowing, never loving, and never having you in their life, because without all that, this pain would not be there for them. They don't seem to understand that you know that without you, he wouldn't have to be hurting this way.

When people ask, and people call,
They ask if I'm alright.
No one seems to notice, or remember
He too lost a child that night..

When you lose a child people don't warn you that you'll feel lost in places that you've been a million times before. No one tells you that you'll never feel so lost, so scared, so hopeless, or so claustrophobic in your entire life. No one warns you that you won't be able to breathe, that the world suddenly will have no air left in it, and you won't be able to move. They don't warn you that all the sudden every store has baby stuff everywhere, and that every single woman everywhere you go is going to be pregnant. Suddenly you feel like the only person out there who isn't pregnant or doesn't have a baby in their arms. Everywhere you look will be a reminder of the child that should still be inside of you, the child that should still be with you.

No one warns you that starting each day is like being shocked awake after a nightmare. That every morning when you begin to regain the ability to think it's like having the nightmare of the past come rushing in all at once. They don't tell you that every morning the pain feels fresh, like it just happened. Each day starts out with tears that you can't stop and you wonder why and what the point is of even waking up each morning. You end up laying there in bed reliving each and every moment all over again, wanting and wishing that the baby that should still be in you was still there. Your hand moves to the round belly thats suddenly flatter, wishing you could feel the kicks and flutters just one more time.

Well meaning people tell you "at least you were able to get pregnant" they tell you "you'll have another baby". They don't seem to understand that this baby, this child, isn't replaceable. It's not like a broken watch that you can just go out and buy a new one - even if this baby never took a breath of air he was a baby. This baby was a person, your child, and you can't just forget him, or switch him out. A new baby might be in your future, but that new baby won't take away the hurt of losing this one. Being able to get pregnant isn't the same as bringing a beautiful life into this world, raising them and watching them grow. All it means is you can get pregnant, it doesn't mean you can bring a happy healthy child home to his nursery, and be there for their first cuts and bruises. They don't seem to understand you don't want a replacement, you don't want another baby, you want the life that was lost.

All of the sudden people don't know what to say when you are around. All of a sudden conversations stop when you get close. Friends who used to call every day suddenly don't. People avoid talking about your baby after you've lost them. What no one tells you, and no one seems to understand is that you wish someone would talk about your baby. People are going on living their lives like nothing happened and all you want is to know that you aren't the only person out there who is going to remember your child. You baby was alive, and real, and you loved him, and it hurts that people won't bring him up. They think they are saving you the pain of remembering him, and yes it does hurt, but at least you know someone else remembers him too. Your baby may not have been here on this earth very long, but he was here. Your baby made an impact on your life, and changed you, how is it that no one else seems to see that? How is it that no one else realizes that someone lost their life, and that someone deserves to be mourned, and praised. Just because he wasn't around very long does not mean he didn't change the world. Sometimes it seems like you and your husband are the only two people who even knew this baby existed, the only two people who will ever care that he was here and is gone. Just so you know that you and hubby aren't the only two people who are feeling this loss. Sometimes you just wish someone would mention his name just so you know he was real.

No one warns you that you might feel guilty for laughing, really laughing. They don't warn you how when you do finally laugh for real, for the first time, that it hits you like a ton of bricks how long it's been since you really did laugh. No one seems to understand that it's okay to tell a joke, it's okay for them to be happy, you need to see the sun shining now more than ever. Your world feels like you are in the middle of a thunderstorm that's never ending and you need nothing more than that little ray of light.

No one out there can give you the words to explain how you wish you could find yourself doubting God. They don't warn you that doubting God's existence would be easier. While you can't find it in you to doubt God, while you can't find a way to pretend He didn't exist, there were times you wish you could. It would be so much easier to view the taking of this tiny life as an act of nature, than an act of God. It would be easier to say that it "just happened" than to try to figure out why God would allow this to happen. What reason could God possibly have, what lesson could be learned, from bringing a life into this world to take it away before it has a chance to live? You've spent years of your life worshipping God, praising Him, offering Him your life to do what He may, and He chose to take your child? What could possibly be the lesson here? You know that God gave His only Son up for you. At the same time Christ lived, and lives. God was able to see His Son grow, God was able to see Christ no matter what or where He was, because God knows and see's all. God was able to call Christ back to Him, you don't have that option. The only time you've had with your child was the time they spent inside of you. Your child was not even given the chance to live. God brought His Son to Him, God took your child from you. People will tell you that God did not take your child from you, that was Satan trying to pull you from God, and Satan chose to take your child's life. Then you think of the Bible saying that nothing can happen to you that does not go through God Himself. So why would God then allow this? Despite the fact that you wish you you could doubt Him, you wish that you could find it in yourself to pretend God wasn't there, you can't. All that's left for you to do is accept. All that's left is for you to hold God to His promise, that you will see your child again in Heaven. All that's left is for you to continue living your life for God, knowing that God will not lie, and that He keeps His word. People mean well when they tell you "He's in a better place", what they don't know is how you long to be there too. People mean well, but they don't know that sometimes all that keeps you going is knowing that God has promised you a place in Heaven, and it's only there you will see your child again.

Everyone tells you "this isn't your fault". How is this NOT your fault? How do you get over the fact that it was your body that let this child down? How are you supposed to get through the day knowing that it was your body that killed your child? It was your cervix that wouldn't hold on tight enough. It was your cervix that opened too soon. It was your body that let this happen. It was your body that kicked your baby out too many weeks too soon. They tell you that there was nothing you could have done. How do they know? How could you not know that something was wrong, it was your body after all? How come you couldn't feel that the baby's life was in danger. It was your job to protect this child, to grow this life, to bring this baby into the world ready to go. It was your body that let his life be put in danger. It was your body that caused his life to end early. Nobody tells you that if there was anything in this world you felt the need to apologize for it would be the fact that you failed your child when it mattered most.

~Tammy Doern~"

The future...

First, I want to thank everyone for the support you have given to both Kelley and I. While we may not take everyone up on the offers to talk, or for whatever else we need, it means a lot to us. Just knowing that there are people out there praying for us, thinking about us, and there if we need them makes it easier to keep going. It's sort of like a fisherman and the coast guard... they hope they never need the help of the coast guard but it's comforting knowing they are there if they do.

I figured I would let everyone know what the tentative plans are right now.

This blog is going to keep going. When I started this blog it was going to be the story of my pregnancy, bringing my son/daughter into the world, and the ups and downs of raising our baby to be a happy, healthy, caring person. No one could have seen in advance the turns that took place during the pregnancy, or ending the pregnancy. As far as the future, I hope the blog will go the same way, the story just isn't going to be as quick and concise as we'd hoped.

Kelley and I still want a child. Whether that child in the end is borne from me, or we adopt, we will at some point have a child in our lives. Kelley and I have both decided that we would like to try again for a baby when we can. The doctors have given me the time frame for when we can try again, and when we are mentally and physically ready we will.

As far as the reason we lost Christopher, it was due to finding out I have an "incompetent cervix". What this means is that my cervix simply is not strong to hold a baby in. Basically the cervix starts opening and your body cannot hold the baby in. Based on what I've read, and heard, more than 25% of second trimester losses are attributed to incompetent cervix. That number they believe should be much higher as too often babies are lost without them knowing why - and the only way to be sure it's the IC is to do ultrasounds of the cervix. I've also found that about 2% of all pregnancies deal with an incompetent cervix - which to me is a pretty high number.

There has been a ton of research done on incompetent cervix, ways to prevent it, what causes it, and how to tell if a woman is going to deal with it. Research has found precious little information. They have yet to find anything that can prevent someone from having IC, and they have not found any way of telling in advance if or when a woman will deal with IC.

What does this mean for a future pregnancy? What this means is that if/when we become pregnant again I can look forward to many many more doctor visits. From what I've heard I will have at the least bi-weekly ultrasounds checking my cervix, and possible twice weekly visits.

They have something they call a "cerclage" that will be put in place between weeks 12-16 of the pregnancy. A cerclage is basically them tying or stitching the cervix closed so that it cannot open early, it's a small surgery. When I reach weeks 36 plus in the pregnancy at some point they will go in and take out the cerclage. There are quite a few risks to having a cerclage done, but it's positives outweight those by far.

What are the risks? Having the cerclage put in can cause infection, and it can also a miscarriage. I could also go into preterm labor just having the cerclage put in. Later during the pregnancy if I start having contraction that can cause serious problems with the cerclage - and could even cause the cerclage to rip my cervix. So often the woman is given medication, shots or pills, to take if she thinks she is feeling contractions to prevent this.

Depending on how the pregancy goes I may have no limitations extra compared to a "regular" pregnancy, or I could end up on bedrest for most of the pregnancy. It all depends on God, my body, and the baby.

Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers, it's heartening to know that so many people care about us.

Homesick

"Homesick"

performed by MercyMe




You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you

But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry

Is how long must I wait to be with you



I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now



Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know

But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same

Cause I'm still here so far away from home



I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now



In Christ, there are no goodbye

And in Christ, there is no end

So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again

To see you again



And I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow


I've never been more homesick than now

Pictures of Christopher Allen

Here are a few images we have of our son. I ask that anyone choosing to look please remember that Chris was just barely 1/2 way through a normal full term pregnancy. Christopher is very small and is bruised from the delivery. These pictures may be upsetting for some people to look at, even if you feel that you were prepared to look at them.

The first set of images are of the things that were in the memory box provided to us by the hospital. There will be a large break between the memory box items and the photographs of Kelley, Christopher, and I.

You can also view all the photo's at:
(You can also view every image we have of him there including tummy shots and the ultrasounds)

http://community.webshots.com/user/TammyDoern?vhost=community


"The true measure of a life, and love, is not measured by how long the flame burned here on Earth; it's how long the fire burns in your heart." - Tammy Doern
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Everything that was in the memory box.


Christopher's foot and handprints.


The hat and gown that were given for Chris to wear.


Three minutes of Christopher's heartbeat on paper. The very low dips are during the contractions that I was having at the time.




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(Here is a large space so you don't have to see them if don't think you can handle it.)

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Me holding Chris in my hand


Kelley holding Chris


Kelley holding Chris' hand


Kelley and I with Christopher


Chris and I

Think you had a rough week?

There are quite a few people who are aware that last week was the "week from hell" for Kelley and I. There are a few who know the details, and many who don't.

Kelley has a smoker that he's used a million times before. He's smoked everything from salmon, to a whole turkey, to he's last item which was bacon. We decided Kelley would make some more bacon... what we've done before is he'll set it up and I check on it during the day while he's at work.

Tuesday Kelley started the bacon ... and we have a meat thermometer that you stick the probe into the meat, you set a separate thing up to what temperature you want the meat to be done at, and you get to watch the temperature of what you are cooking from where ever you are.

Now understand that the last time Kelley made bacon (with a slightly smaller pork belly in my opinion) it took seven hours to get to temperature with the exact same set up. It had been almost three hours and the bacon was 20 degree's from being done already. This sort of concerned me some so instead of going back to sleep I decided to take a shower instead.

I walked back into the bathroom to start my shower, had my shirt and shorts off, and smelled burning plastic. Wondering if I had left something to close to the smoker I decided to go check and threw on Kelley's heavy robe. As I'm walking around the corner the smoke alarm in the house goes off, and I look at the back porch and an entire wall of our porch is on fire. Yeah. Bad.

I call the dogs, grab the phone, dial 911, and get the dog leashes. I realize I don't have time to get clothes, or dressed, so I head out the front door to tie the dogs up somewhere. My house phone is STILL ringing for 911. (Yeah, talk about pissed).

I open the front door and there is a woman standing there with her cell phone out, I asked her to call 911 - which she said she already had - and was told that they had received multiple calls already. This woman was awesome and offered to hold my huge dogs while I ran back in to grab our cat. Which I found and was very glad that our bed was no longer on the frame or he would have been under it.

To make a long story short it was 110 degree's out, I'm standing out in the very very hot sun with no shoes and in a very thick robe with my house on fire.

We ended up very lucky and the fire only shattered the first pane of glass on our patio sliding door, and didn't get through the final bit of wall to the garage. We did end up with a lot of smoke in the house, and our power and water couldn't be turned on due to melting of the wires and pipes in the wall.

The patio is completely trashed. Our dogs can't stay here because of all the stuff in the backyard and chemicals from the fire. We also can't use our sliding glass door.

The good news? Turns out all it takes to get a maid here is to catch your house on fire. The insurance company is covering them coming in and wiping all of our house down, and the dusting. They also covered having every single piece of fabric professionally cleaned (yes down to the last washcloth).

That's the first thing.
Next, the problems with the baby, and finding out we have no way of keeping Christopher.
Our third - as I was being induced in the beginning and the contractions started getting really bad Kelley gets called down to the ER to find out his car had been broken into while he was at the hospital with me.