From 5/31/2010 - We got to hold her!

I called the NICU this morning to ask how Squish is doing, and was told okay. They said that she ate okay, and asked if I would want to feed her. DUH! I told her that we had been told not to expect this for a little bit, so she went and double checked and said that we would be allowed to feed her and hold when we showed up at her feeding time if her condition remained the same.

I told Kelley, and lets just say we were out of the house faster than lightning!

You know you look at your baby and she looks so tiny, and then you feel her in your arms and you realize she IS tiny. The whole whopping 4lbs 14oz of her.

I will say that Kelley was amazing.  He had been at the hospital much more than me, and all he had been allowed to do so far was sit and stare.  I offered to let him hold her first, and he let me. 

I'm not trying to take away that first moment all mom's go through that moment they finally have their baby in their arms, and can see a face.  It's an amazing moment when you get to see the reality of that child that has been beating you up from the inside, and hold them in your arms.  At the same time, my daughter had been in the world for 3 days already, and she had never been in my arms.  I'd gotten to touch her a few times, that was it.  Kelley had spent hours by her side, and not hold her.  That moment you wait for your whole pregnancy, the moment when the baby comes wailing into the world, announcing their arrival, and the doctor places that beautiful life into your arms, we didn't get that.  We got a grunting baby and watching her be whisked away.  For us, THIS was THAT moment you wait for.  

The NICU also does something you may have heard of "kangaroo care" basically having you hold your baby against your skin, it's amazing the healing properties skin on skin has for both adults and children.

Kaitlyn with a toy that Tina Hawkins gave her.  The green pacifier is the same one you see in the stores, and those are the standard air tubes and such on her, that I think gives a good idea of how tiny she is.

Squishes with her Daddy in Kangaroo care.  (She loved being in her Daddy's arms by the way.  All of her stats shot up great while she was in his arms.)

From 5/30/2010 - Meeting her!

The drive to hospital in Phoenix wasn't easy, but it was worth it. Here she is:

When we walk into the hospital, Kelley has to show me the way. I must say that I am impressed with all the security measures they have taken to ensure the safety of the babies. I start getting nervous the closer we get, what if I don't recognize her? What if I don't feel a connection with her?

The first thing they ask you to do when you arrive is wash your hands, and they checked Kelley for a wristband they had given him, and compared it to the one on Squish to make sure that he is allowed to see her. They then check me and give me a band of my own. A neo-natologist comes over to talk to me to double check the info they have on me and all the stuff during pregnancy to make sure they are doing what is best for Kaitlyn.

One of the nurses asked if I wanted to hold Kaitlyn.  DUH.  At the same time, they hadn't yet allowed Kelley to hold her for a reason.  I told her I wasn't sure we were allowed to yet, so she went and checked, and nope, no holding her.  At the same time there was my child.  She was there, and real, and beautiful, and mine.  

From 5/30/2010 Woo hoo! Freedom!

I must say that no one looks forward to being separated from their newborn child. Some people have problems being apart from their 20 year olds, so I think, enough said. For me, the hardest thing in the world was getting a brief glimpse of my child in the operating room, having her whisked away to the nursery due to breathing, then finally feeling I'm going to get to see her and being told she's being taken to another city and I cannot leave for 72 hours.

Sitting in the hospital was more than frustrating. I wanted to see my daughter, I wanted to hold her, I wanted to smell her, and touch her, and she was 60 miles away.

In the middle of the night after surgery a lady comes in while my mom is sleeping next to the bed and tells me it's time for me to try sitting up, or I can wait till morning. I told her I wanted up NOW. So, I sat up, and then ask her if I can walk. She told me that I didn't have to, it was going to be hard and wasn't required yet. I know how these things work by now, you have to do x, y, and z in order to get out of the hospital and I planned on doing those as soon as I could. I didn't make it very far, but I did walk.

I can say that a C-section hurts, it doesn't help that the nurses feel the need to come in and push on your uterus and make it hurt worse all the time.

At this point I am bound and determined to get out of the hospital as soon a possible, so I'm walking as much as I can, I'm doing everything I can think of to get out of their. The only thing holding me back from seeing my baby is the hospital.

I guess hospital rules state that after a c-section you are supposed to remain for 72 hours. It got to the point where I told the nurses I wanted out, and I had met all of their criteria except for the number of hours in the hospital. The nurses told me Sunday morning that they were going to recommend to allow me to leave early so long as I took it easy. They did, and finally the doctor came in to talk to me. She let me know that technically she should hold me longer post-op, but that she felt and agreed with the nurses that keeping Kaitlyn and I apart was bad for both of us, and would put that as part of the reason allowing me to leave early.

I called Kelley and my mom, and we made plans to leave from the hospital to head to see Squish. The emotions running through me are unexplainable. I can't wait.

Squish is here!

Okay - I know this is a little bit late for most of you, but it's been a busy week!

A lot of you knew that I kept thinking May 28th was going to be the day. Kelley put it best when he was telling someone "Tammy got one of her feelings, and when she gets one of her feelings you listen to her" - or something like that.

I went in for my NST on Friday morning. Things were looking okay, other than Kaitlyn being a tad bit lazy. We were having some trouble getting her to wiggle - but it was nap time after all, I mean what did we expect? The nurse in charge of the NST and I were talking and I told her that I had a feeling Kaitlyn was coming out today. After the NST went a bit she came in and told me not to drink any more she didn't trust my daughter, but trusted my intuition. Then Dr. Terai came in and let me know she was a little bit concerned, there were a few heart decelerations that had her worried. They weren't scary or anything, just something that had never happened on a NST with Kaitlyn before.

Dr. Terai called Dr. Dixon's office, wanting to see if he would come evaluate me at the hospital (I was there for the NST). My appointment was scheduled for 1pm with him that afternoon for the growth scan. She was hoping since I was on his schedule any way he would run over when he was done with patients and check me there. Dr. Terai wasn't 100% comfortable with me getting off of the monitoring or being discharged from the hospital. Funny thing is - this was about the time I started feeling the contractions that had been showing up like clockwork every 10 minutes. Dr. Dixon explained he did not have time to run over, had my NST faxed over for him to look at. The NST was stable then - and had been for an hour, so he said to discharge me in time for me to make it to my appointment with him, and he'd evaluate me there.

I got to my appointment with Dr. Dixon right at 1pm. They started the growth scan and Squish wasn't much bigger, and as I thought was still in breech position. Dr. Dixon came in to take a look and they also checked my amniotic fluid - they score amniotic fluid levels in the uterus on a scale of 5 to 18 (I think) or maybe 1-20 but 5 is the lowest they consider safe for a baby. My amniotic fluid was at 6. Dr. Dixon said he wanted to make a few phone calls, to sit tight and he'd be back. He came back in the office and said it looked like today was the day. I was to leave there and head to the hospital for a c-section that evening.

I left the appointment and called Kelley, asked him if he minded leaving work a little bit early... so he headed up to the hospital. I will admit that as we arrived in the hospital parking lot it hit me - I'm having a baby. I mean really, was I READY to have a baby? Uhm... NO. The house wasn't clean, the nursery wasn't done, I was just sort of guessing I might know how to breast feed, my birthing classes were supposed to start on June 5th! I was NOT ready to have a baby! Kelley said I should have thought about that, say, 9 or 10 months before that?

I get to the hospital, Mom is out in the waiting room with Gino waiting for a friend to come pick him up and watch him. (THANK YOU JEN!) Kelley got to the hospital, and came back to hang out with me. My c-section had been scheduled at the end of the day, there were 2 surgeries ahead of me. They wanted to make sure given the NST and such that they had nothing else going on around my c-section in case it ended up being eventful. (Is my life ever not?) Mom came back after Jen (THANK YOU AGAIN!) picked up Gino - and we just sort of hung out. A few of the nurses new me and came to say hi and say congrats on getting there...

The C-section and rest story will come tomorrow! (It's time to pump and then hit the hay!)

From 5/28/2010 - Flayed like a fish

Well, when it finally came down to "hey you are getting c-sectioned" the one thing that came to mind was being filleted like a fish. I still kind of wonder if that's what it was like.

For the c-section they got me all hooked up to the machines... got Squish hooked up to the baby monitors and all of that jazz.

They wheel me into the procedure room... now really, can they make these rooms any more intimidating? It is sort of like what you picture, and hear about, from alien abductions. You feel like a specimen under a microscope. All these lights pointed at you, in a room full of scary machines.

The anesthesiologist comes in and starts talking to me. Getting prepped to do the epidural. I was told that it was going to be "hit or miss" and it was. They had me sit on the table, and you bend over a bit, sort of doing the hunch back thing. They get out the epidural kit - put a paper over my back with a square in the middle. Then they go and clean and prep the epidural area with whatever that red/orange stuff is. All I can tell you was that it was cold. Then they numb my back with some stuff, and the chick starts pushing here and there asking if I can feel it. They get me all lined up, hunched over with a nurse standing next to me.

They have me put my chin to my chest and hunch as much as I can. I can't feel the needle go in, but I could feel when it go around my spine. Then they were asking me to say what it felt like, to me it felt to the right, and I told them. They had missed. It sort of reminds me of the feeling of popping your knuckles or something, what I imagine cartilage on cartilage feels like. Also, sort of like a bubble pushing where it shouldn't be. Anyways, rinse this process and repeat 4 more times. Then the lady asks for back up. They were going to try one more time for the epi, and if that didn't go then they would put me under general and knock me out. They bring in the other guy, and finally nail the epidural.

I start going numb - yay! They let Kelley in the room (finally). Now, you hear about doctors leaving stuff in patients all the time, what's hilarious is knowing how serious they are about NOT leaving things in patients. There is a list on the wall and the nurses are counting out how many of each item they have, checking this and that. Making sure that every piece of equipment is counted for...

Dr. Edwards comes in with Dr. Terai and asks if I'm ready. Kelley is standing up by my head with me and they get going. It was a lot less scary at that point than I thought it would be. I couldn't feel anything. All I could think was that I was about to meet my baby. We were finally going to get to meet her.

All I remember is that when they said she was out the nurses made a few comments about how Squish was going to like wearing necklaces when she got older. I didn't get it at all. I also remember being afraid because she wasn't crying loud like you hear about in movies and what not. I heard a weak cry.

A nurse brings Kaitlyn over and there she was. The most beautiful baby I had ever seen. The nurse also let me know that there wasn't anything to be worried about but that she wasn't crying really well, more grunting so they were going to take her to the nursery to check on her. She had Kelley go with her.

Dr. Edwards worked on cleaning me up, and closing me up. Again, I didn't feel anything. I got wheeled down to recovery where they were very friendly. One thing that was weird was I guess they press and massage your uterus to get it to shrink back down... the nurse down there was putting her entire body weight down behind pushing on my uterus and I couldn't feel a thing. She was standing on a stool pushing and manipulating my uterus so much it was moving the whole bed I was in and I couldn't feel it. I kept asking about Kaitlyn, but they couldn't tell me anything, they didn't know anything.

Anyways, I get wheeled up to the room, and Kelley and my mom walk in. The look on their faces told me something was wrong. I asked what it was and they said that Squish was going to be fine, but as a precaution they were moving her to Phoenix. "Just in case." I couldn't see her because of the c-section, and because of the breathing issues they couldn't bring her to me. The nurse told me that the flight crew would bring her in really quick before they left with her.

Now, scary is seeing your little tiny newborn baby in an incubation thingy, on a gurny, surrounded by medical stuff. I can't quite say seeing her... all I could see was a little arm wrapped in gauze where they put her IV in. Then they wheeled her out. All I could think was the worst. I kept thinking about Christopher and how I may never see her alive again, and I had only seen her for maybe a minute total. I wasn't even sure if it came down to it I could pick her out of other babies. Scary. A nightmare, the worse things you can think of were coming to my mind all I wanted was my daughter, with me.

Kelley got in the car and drove to Phoenix to get there to be with her as soon as he could.

When Kaitlyn arrived in Phoenix the doctor there, Dr. Z called me. He let me know that Squish was going to be okay. He also told me that she was going to get worse before she got better. Her breathing had gotten worse, and they thought it was going to get even worse. At the time they couldn't justify putting surfactant in her lungs, but that she was going to need it. They would also put put her on a CPAP machine when they did it. Dr. Z also told me that he had patients that were much worse, and not to worry she was in good hands.

Never a dull moment...

Well my testing is scheduled for tomorrow. I have a NST at 9am, and then Kaitlyn's follow up growth ultrasound set for 1PM. I kept figuring things would happen tomorrow.

I've been having contractions for almost two weeks now. I've never felt any of them really, I mean now and then I'd have a decent one, but none of them bothered me.

During one of my million trips to the bathroom last night I had a contraction I felt, and it was like "huh, I think I've felt one each time I've been up, cool." That was it. About 3am I got up and had two while I was awake, no biggie. I woke up at 4am and had one that hurt clear through to my back (back labor contractions are soooo fun). Not much later I had another one. A light bulb goes off - maybe I should be keeping track of these things. So I watch the clock. Come to find out I'm having decent contractions every 6-8 minutes.

In my mind I'm going - these don't hurt that much, I could just wait till they hurt. I don't want to wake Kelley and waste his time for nothing. Then another thing occurs to me - my doctor said I was close and things could happen any day now. He also said if I started having regular contractions not to mess around because the cerclage could rip my cervix apart.

I finally decide to wake Kelley up. I tap him on the shoulder and ask him when he gets up for work. He tells me 5:15am - I asked him how set he was on going in to work this morning. He was still 90% asleep and asked why. I told him I was having contractions every 6-8 minutes. He sort of grunted and rolled over a bit to go back to sleep. I think it occurred to him a few seconds later when her turned and asked me what that meant. Was sort of cute. I let him know I could get mom to drive me, but I'd prefer him.

So we get to the hospital, I get hooked up and the nurse tells me I'm not having any contractions. I was a little bit peeved. I was out of bed at 5am, woke Kelley up early, and he's missing work and I'm not having contractions? I simply couldn't believe it. Then I had a really good contractions that I KNEW was a contraction. It didn't show up on her monitor. At the same time Kaitlyn's heart rate dropped during the contraction as well. So the nurse came back and I told her that with Christopher it didn't pick the contractions up because they are 95% in my back - or at least thats what I guess. I described the contractions to her and asked her to move the monitor... she did.

I've also been leaking some fluid, she checked me internally to make sure it wasn't amniotic fluid, and then went to talk to the doctor on call. She came back a little bit later and apologized, said I WAS having contractions every 6-8 minutes that were lasting 30 seconds to a minute. (I said so). They decided to give me a shot of terbutaline to stop the contractions, which worked. The contractions stopped and I was let go home.

Good news is Kaitlyn was super active, wiggling away in there, and her heart rate looked great. The nurse was even impressed at her activity level.

I've had a few contractions today, but nothing major. Kelley didn't have to take the whole day off - and Squish is still squished in my tummy. I don't think she's happy about it. She's been nice and feisty all day. Lets just say that when she is in the mood her little feet can hit some places that hurt pretty darn good.

As I said tomorrow is the day for the testing. I'm hoping she's grown a bit - even a little bit. Just enough to count and measure it. Enough for them to let her decide when it's time for her to be born. At the same time if she's not doing well then I hope they decide to take her out and let her do better on the outside. We will see. I think it's also going to be interesting finding out if she's still breech or not. I think she is, but I also know she's been moving a lot and I can't quite feel how she is sitting in there. If she hasn't turned, chances are that she's not going to.

I'm also hoping to find out what's going on with my cerclage. I'm dilated a bit even with it in, so not sure what will happen when it's clipped. I guess I just can't have a regular boring pregnancy?

It's all in God's hands though. He could pack 2 pounds on her tonight if He wants to, turn her on a dime, or send me into labor tonight.

In other news it's a year now since my hospitalization and emergency surgery. When they redid my internal bowel hernia and moved my insides all about. Sort of bittersweet to know that they went through so much to keep Christopher safe and we lost him anyways, and here I am waiting to go any labor any day with Kaitlyn.

I'll update when I can, as soon as I can. Might be getting baby pictures tomorrow night, or a hey they are letting me stay pregnant! We shall see. Just can't be bored with Squishes.

5/25/10 - Update "Any day now"

Squish passed her NST. I will say these tests are anything but boring with her. The tests are supposed to take about 20-30 minutes and normally take about an hour with my little girl. It takes forever just to get her hooked up, with her kicking and punching away from the heart monitor. Today was even more fun - their machine wasn't picking up her heart rate all the time even though we could hear it perfectly. THEN there were times it decided it wanted mine instead and would put that up there. When the fetal heart rate is about 130-160 and mine in the 60 I think it sort of messes up the test.

We also found out that I'm having quite a few contractions. None of them seem like much to me, but they are showing up good on their contraction monitor. The fun part of this that when you are having certain contractions your stomach hardens, which makes it really hard to get the heart rate of the baby... so it was messing it up more. Then after a particularly nasty contraction (that really hurt my back) they had to find her all over again.

Another thing was that today they did the "group b strep test" it's a test for (duh) group b strep. If I'm a carrier it will just mean that they give me antibiotics during delivery to keep Squishes from getting it. While he was doing that since I've been having contractions and cramping and some other things he felt my cervix. I was told that I'm dilated through the cerclage - meaning that even with the cerclage in place my cervix is open a bit. Kaitlyn is also really really low and dropped down. Dr. Edwards said that I could go into labor at any moment... and not to mess around when I do.

If I go into labor before the cerclage comes out I have to get in and get it cut ASAP to keep it from ripping my cervix. Dr. Edwards also said that it didn't feel like a head down by my cervix - which means our rotten little princess is probably still breech (which they don't expect to change) - and means I'll be c-sectioned.

My next appointments are on Friday - which is when I figure things are going to happen. I have a NST in the morning and then a growth check on Kaitlyn's size that afternoon. I'm still expecting them to decide it's time for her to come out then. If not I was told to demand a cerclage removal date - and that it's in my notes it needs to come out. I was also told to expect labor to start when the cerclage is taken out...

Labor and delivery is whenever Kaitlyn decides. It could be tonight, Friday, or two weeks. I know he said "any day now" but I know of women who have been dilated and dropped and ended up induced weeks later. We will see!