Where was God?

It doesn't happen very often, the entire country of America coming together and agreeing.  So often we look into what divides us, what holds us separate from each other, and THAT is what defines us.  We cheer for one particular baseball team, we live in one particular city.  We are Christian, Buddhist, Jewish, Amish, Atheist, wiccan, or believe something that has no name.  We are democrat or republican, independent or unsure.  We are blue collar, white collar, redneck or city slickers.  On Friday, each and every one of us was family.  We mourned as a family for each life that was taken, we gave thanks for each heart that was allowed to keep beating, and we were appalled and angered that anyone could do such a thing.  All of this, we did together, as human beings.

As the news slowly emerged, and the true horror of all that had happened, and facts were stated saying, "twenty children, ages 4 to 7, and 6 adult lives were taken by a single person at Sandy Hook Elementary school.  The killer then turned a gun on himself and took his own life."  Do not forget that he also claimed his own mother's life before any of the further carnage took place.  The total?  Twenty-eight lives, taken by one single, disturbed, life. 

The one thing that caught my attention first, was the first thing you see, on social media sites like Facebook, is the request from people to people, for prayer.  They ask us to pray for the lost, pray for the living, pray for the grieving, pray for strength for those who need it.  The one prayer I failed to see asked for was the one I think most important.  We need to pray for a world in which this type of shooting can happen.  We need to pray for a world in which this type of crime is becoming common place.  We need to pray a world in which more people will be able to tell you the name of the killer, than any single of a life that was taken.

There are a few other, rather common comments that are going around right now, that bother me.  People are asking a question: Where was God, when all these lives were taken?

There are also images on Facebook going around that say: "Dear God, Why do you allow such violence in our schools? -signed a concerned student  Dear Student, I am not allowed in schools. - God"  Do I understand what people are saying with this simple image? YES! The very people that have gone out of their way to have every single image, thought, or Word of God taken from our schools, our governments, our country are the people who first ask that question.  They want to know where "our God" was when these type of things take place.  People WANT to make the impression that we have kicked God out of lives, so how can we ask Him to intervene?

I can tell you where God was. 

God was with every single person in Newton, CT that morning.  He was with them as they got their children ready for school.  He was there as children said goodbye to their parents, as kisses and hugs, some of them the last, were given.  He was there, preparing these people for what they were about to go through, whether they believed in Him or not, God believed in them.

God was there as the killer made his way to Sandy Hill Elementary school.  God was there when the first shots went out, He was there as those first lives were escorted to the gates of Heaven.  God was there with the student that barely made it to his classroom before the horror started, a moment before and that child's life too would have been gone. 

God was with the principal, Dawn Lafferty.  God gave her the courage to face the shooter, and try to stop the shooter.  It's been said that Lafferty taking on the gunman's first initial moments of fury gave teachers and staff  precious moments to lock doors, hide children, and do all they could to protect lives.

God was with the person who thought to turn the Sandy Hill School loudspeaker system on.  The number of lives that this simple act probably saved is countless. 

"A custodian ran around, warning people there was a gunman, it was said. "He said, 'Guys! Get down! Hide!'" He survived."  God was with that man.

God was with Victoria Soto, and her students.  He was there as she was trying to get her students into a closet, to protect them from harm.  Victoria Soto died as she shielded her students from the gunman, God held her hand and finished what she was trying to do, He protected her students.

God was with the little girl, the lone survivor of one of the two classrooms, as she "played dead" and survived. God was holding her hand, keeping her still, and calm, amid the chaos around her, and He will be with her as she faces all that she will face as she grows up after living through such a thing.

God was with the woman who hid under a desk.  As she trembled, did her best to remain quiet, and starred at the shoes of the killer, just feet away, God was holding onto her, He gave her strength, and she lived.

God was with Kaitlin Roig, a teacher, and her 15 students as she hid them in a bathroom and barricaded them in with a book shelf.  God had his hand on every one of those children as they did their best to remain silent.

God was with school clerk, Maryann Jacobhim, and the 18 fourth graders she had in the library. God was there as they all first went to a small room, finding the door didn't lock, and then as they crawled to a storage room, where they too barricaded the door, and found coloring supplies.

God was with the gym teacher, and the children in her care.  God was with them as they huddled in the corner, and held them close to Him as the teachers took the scared, crying children, to an office so they could cry without being heard.
God was with an eight year old little boy and the teacher that saved him. "I saw some of the bullets going past the hall that I was right next to, and then a teacher pulled me into her classroom," said the boy.
If you have read any of the stories out there, you can see God in every single one of them.  As I was reading, I ran across this, "was armed with a military-style rifle and two semi-automatic pistols. Investigators said he possessed "multiple high-capacity magazines" for all three weapons."  The shooter could have killed, wounded, scarred, many more than he did.
God had His hand on every single locked door in that school.  Do we think that He looked the other direction while all of this was going on?  Think of the hysteria that wasn't reported on the news.  The students being led from the school by their teachers and police.  Think of how much worse things could have, would have, been if these children and teachers had panicked?  If children had done what so many adults would do, go running from the building in fear.  God was there, and still is. 

Do you think that telling teachers, "you can't pray with your students" kept a single one of those from sending up a prayer?  Do you think the "separation of church and state" kept a single person in the country from praying?  How does a Christian believer believe that God would ever say, "I'm not allowed in school"?  Does anyone think that God looked at the building and said, "well, it's a school, I can't go in there?"  As the parent's were rejoined with their children, are there any, you think, that didn't think "Thank God!", because He wasn't welcome in school?
~Tammy Doern~
December 16, 2012

Happy Birthday Papa.

Happy Birthday, Papa.

I know that you aren't "here", but I had to put some of my thoughts down.

I miss you like crazy. When buying Valentines Day Cards I automatically went to the birthday card section - it's your birthday too. I always wanted to make sure that you got birthday cards, even though it was valentines day. Sort of like kids born on Christmas, I wanted to make sure you never got gipped.

I wish you had met your granddaughter. I wish I'd had more time with you. I know I got out there every time I could, but I always regret not being there more. I spent so little time with you as a child, I wanted to make up for it. I'm so glad I made you a priority in my adult life.

The "you" I remembered as a kid was a grouchy, grumpy old man. I remember you and Grandma kicking us out of the house, no matter how cold or hot it was. "Kids shouldn't be underfoot". I remember you smoking way too much, and drinking a lot. I remember trips in your car to a drive through liquor mart and getting a pretzel stick and loving it.

My first interaction with you as an adult, was begrudging. You were sick and Joy and Pam wanted to see you put in a nursing home, and you didn't want to go. So, I packed up my life and moved in with you. I hated the smoking and remember arguing with you over your smoking while we were eating dinner (which eventually I won.)

I remember realizing that you still were in love with Grandma then too. Every single thing I did, I did wrong, I had to do it like her. Whether it was ironing your clothes, washing windows, or cooking stew. It had to be done the way Grandma did it. At first it was irritating. I was not Grandma, but then I realized how awesome it was, now days people hardly stay married and in love for a week, you stayed married a lifetime, and loved her till the day you died. You, Papa, YOU showed me that love can last forever.

The more I got to know you, the more my images were shattered. You were a grumpy grouch, yes. At the same time you had a sense of humor I never would have guessed. You said hurtful things sometimes, and when I finally got up the courage to ask why, you said because people deserved to know the truth about things. You loved trying new things, which was neat in an old guy. I remember telling you I was having gastric bypass surgery and you absolutely not wanting me to do it, telling me you "forbid" me to have it, because you didn't want me to get hurt... I think that was the first time I realized how much you cared about me. I remember calling you to find out what the bird was in our yard that was pretending to be hurt to draw us away from it's nest, and you KNOWING what it was. You told me how to keep rabbits out of my garden, and about a Grandma I barely knew.

I'm glad I got to know you, I'm glad I loved you enough to miss you. As much as it hurts, I will never regret knowing you.

One of the things that broke my heart the most at your funeral wasn't your passing. It was the fact that there was a room full of people who were your family that had no idea who you were. They didn't know you'd quit smoking, or stopped drinking. I don't think they had any idea you could tell a joke. They had never sat on the floor in front of your spot on the couch while you told story after story about your old photo's. I cried for them, I remember Kelley comforting me as a I cried for them saying, "they don't even know what they lost", and knowing it was true.

Take care Papa, we miss you. I know you are up there with my baby boy, Christopher, and I know you are taking care of him. Do me a favor and hold his hand, make sure looks both ways as he crosses the streets of Heaven.

Update June 7 to June 13

Monday June 7, 2010: I got my incision looked at and sure enough it is not healing correctly. Go figure. The doctor put some stuff on it that was supposed to burn but didn't really and prescribed antibiotics. He said it's infected and that I am doing wayyyyyy tooooo much. He basically want's me doing nothing. He said that for 6 weeks post c-section I am supposed to be waited on hand and foot. Seriously?

Another great thing... Squish actually breastfed today. She complained at first not liking to have to work for her food, but she did it! I have to say it was a proud moment for me. She is up to 4lbs 15oz so finally over her birth weight!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010: Morphine is back down to every 6 hours. Kelley was exhausted and didn't get to visit her today, and missed her like crazy. Grandma got to spend a little bit of time with her and hold her again.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010: Kaitlyn's morphine was lowered by 10% so it is now 0.09 per kilo. The doctors are saying that this is the quickest they have ever weened a baby.

I'm staying at Jason and Alex's again tonight to spend more time with Squish without the drive. I am so thankful that they are letting me do this and not too upset that I'm crashing at their place.

Thursday, June 10, 2010: Kaitlyn is up to 5lbs 4oz! She did have a rough day, but her nurse thinks it's due to the fact that she chugged down 80ml of food and ate herself to a tummy ache. She was really hard to keep calm and such. Dr. Z is guessing less than 2 weeks until she gets to come home!

Friday, June 11, 2010: 5lbs 5oz and lowered her morphine again to 0.08 per kilo.

Saturday, June 12, 2010: Squish is up to 5lbs 7oz and got to breastfeed again. Based on my pumping we are guessing she got 30ml all by herself. Later during the day she projectile vomited all over the floor, missing daddy by inches. I have to say Kelley took it like a champ and didn't throw up or anything himself. Doctors are talking about lowering her morphine to 0.07 per kilo tomorrow, amazed she is taking it so well.

Stayed at Jason and Alex's again... they are amazing.

Sunday, June 13, 2010: 5lbs 9oz. Breastfed again, it took a bit, but Kaitlyn nursed for her whole 30 minutes and did not want to come off. They lowered her morphine and she is doing well.

Updates June 4, 2010 to June 6, 2010

Friday, June 4, 2010: The oxygen is out! She's doing great. She's also doing so well that they are weeing her faster than they have any other baby, the morphine is down to every 6 hours. We are staying at Jason and Alex's for the weekend so we can spend more time with the baby without the long drive. My c-section isn't seeming "right"

(yes that is a whole entire Squishes, except that one arm you can't see, okay, maybe not an entire Squish, but close.)


Saturday, June 5, 2010: Squish had a bad night so they moved the morphine back to every 4 hours. Jason and Alex got to hold her today. She is eating so well that they are letting Kaitlyn eat all that she want's too up to 2oz (60ml).

Sunday, June 6, 2010: Kaitlyn is still eating like a champ, eating all 60ml that they will allow her, holding it down, and wanting more. Matt and Annette got to see her and hold her today.

I think I'm going to get my c-section checked out. It's draining and doesn't feel closed right. Figure I will call in the AM and get it looked at. They had better not plan on taking too long or keeping me from Kaitlyn.

Thank you Jason and Alex for letting us stay with you!

Quick Update... May 31 to June 3

I have been keeping a sort of pregnancy diary, and now a baby diary. Here are what I wrote in it:

Monday, May 31, 2010: Kaitlyn got her first feeding today. A whole whopping 10ml, and loved it. I was actually able to hold her today for the first time in what they call Kangaroo Care. Basically I open my shirt and hold her against me, skin on skin. It was great to see all her vital signs lower closer to normal just with that contact. Kelley got to hold her too, and she did even better with him, she's a daddy's girl already.

(If this photo doesn't show you how tiny she is, nothing will.)

Tuesday, June 1, 2010: Squish is up to 15ml of food. Grandma Cathy got to hold her today also and noticed that she has a few of my features. She has my "pointer toe", where her second toe is actually longer than her big toe. Squish is having very high scores on the withdrawal board - and they are considering giving her morphine. Her food it also to be upped 5ml each feed since she is eating so well, until she hits 35ml.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010: Kaitlyn is a different baby today. They gave her the morphine dose and will every 3 hours when they feed her. Her whole body is more relaxed. She is eating so well the IV is turned off, but left in "just in case" so they do not have to stick her again.

Thursday, June 3, 2010: Kaitlyn has been downgraded. The IV is out. I got a great surprise walking around the corner and seeing her in a different bed, with clothes on and a bow in her hair. All she has now are the air and the monitors! (YES! She has clothes on! God Bless the night nurse who gave her a bath and decided to surprise us with a dressed up Squishes!)

From 6/2/2010 - Squishes "condition"

I know a lot of you have been following this, and wanting more info. Here is an email I sent out:

Things are exhausting, but everyone is doing good.

I'm not sure what you know, but Kaitlyn ended up being life flighted to Phoenix when we had her on Friday night. She was grunting instead of breathing and crying, and showing other signs of respiratory distress, so to be on the safe side they had her sent to the hospital in Phoenix. I'll get the name of the hospital when we are up there later... I just know how to get there.

Saturday her breathing issues got worse - which is what Dr. Z (the neonatologist taking care of her) said would happen. Her breaths per minute was all the way up to 125-135 per minute which was very bad, and dangerous. The put some stuff called surfactant in her lungs, and put her on a CPAP machine to force air in. It did wonders and within an hour her rate was down in the 50's. (20-60 is a good rate for newborns) We had been warned that the CPAP could damage her lung, and it did. She developed a small tear from it that caused her left lung to collapse part way. They took her off the CPAP and put her on just a tube in her nose for the air. The CPAP had done it's job and gotten her airways working by then, and the tube relaxed her lungs enough that they could re-inflate and the tear has been healing, they think it's probably all the way, or close to all the way healed now. (They don't want to do xrays all the time on a baby so small). She still has some issues with her lungs, but she's getting better. One of the things is that when she eats they think the pressure of the food filling her tummy presses on her left lung and she has to work harder to breathe, so the % of oxygen in her blood drops - but that is getting better daily. They planned 2-4 more weeks of time in the NICU for those problems.

Kaitlyn also started having problems Tuesday that got really bad on Wednesday with coming off of my pain medications. They ended up having to start giving her a tiny dose of morphine, rather than have her suffering. They are having to ween her off the morphine slowly, and we've been giving a 2-3-4 week guess on that process as well, but have been told that some babies take as long as 2-3 months, or longer, depending on how much and what the mom was taking. So far they have weened her more quickly than they have any other baby. Dr. Z said that I did a great job weening off the medication, and that she probably would have been fine if she had stayed put till her due date. I feel really bad knowing that it's my back problems, and my pain medication that had her suffering, but the doctors and nurses have all told me that with my pain and problems I probably would have miscarried her, or she would have been born weeks earlier without it. The pain can cause you to miscarry in the first and second trimester, your body saying you have too much wrong to bring another life into the world and take care of it - so if I hadn't taken it then we could have lost her then. If I had stopped taking it sooner, or weened to quickly the pain would have caused me to go into labor and she would have been born earlier, as it is they think my back pain is what caused me to start having contractions all the time after I hit 30 weeks. Dr Z said I did what I had to do to keep her in me, and safe and healthy in there - his job is to get her well enough to come home.

I'm doing well - I'm exhausted, but it's so worth it. I'm pumping breast milk every 2 hours most of the time for Squish to drink, as it turns out she is quite the little piggy when it comes to feeding. I get a 4 hour stretch of sleep at night and that's it - after that every 2 hours I pump for 15-30 minutes so it's a little bit tiring. At the same time  I know how good it is for her, and seeing her guzzle it down feels good.

From 5/31/2010 - We got to hold her!

I called the NICU this morning to ask how Squish is doing, and was told okay. They said that she ate okay, and asked if I would want to feed her. DUH! I told her that we had been told not to expect this for a little bit, so she went and double checked and said that we would be allowed to feed her and hold when we showed up at her feeding time if her condition remained the same.

I told Kelley, and lets just say we were out of the house faster than lightning!

You know you look at your baby and she looks so tiny, and then you feel her in your arms and you realize she IS tiny. The whole whopping 4lbs 14oz of her.

I will say that Kelley was amazing.  He had been at the hospital much more than me, and all he had been allowed to do so far was sit and stare.  I offered to let him hold her first, and he let me. 

I'm not trying to take away that first moment all mom's go through that moment they finally have their baby in their arms, and can see a face.  It's an amazing moment when you get to see the reality of that child that has been beating you up from the inside, and hold them in your arms.  At the same time, my daughter had been in the world for 3 days already, and she had never been in my arms.  I'd gotten to touch her a few times, that was it.  Kelley had spent hours by her side, and not hold her.  That moment you wait for your whole pregnancy, the moment when the baby comes wailing into the world, announcing their arrival, and the doctor places that beautiful life into your arms, we didn't get that.  We got a grunting baby and watching her be whisked away.  For us, THIS was THAT moment you wait for.  

The NICU also does something you may have heard of "kangaroo care" basically having you hold your baby against your skin, it's amazing the healing properties skin on skin has for both adults and children.

Kaitlyn with a toy that Tina Hawkins gave her.  The green pacifier is the same one you see in the stores, and those are the standard air tubes and such on her, that I think gives a good idea of how tiny she is.

Squishes with her Daddy in Kangaroo care.  (She loved being in her Daddy's arms by the way.  All of her stats shot up great while she was in his arms.)