Still missing him...

So many people ask "How you doing?" I'm not really sure who wants to hear the truth, and who wants the easy lie. It's so easy to just say 'fine' rather than admit that it still feels like your world fell to pieces all around you.

I have a silver picture frame that says "Born with love" and a picture of Christopher beside the bed. Some days it feels so good to have it there, and other days it's just a reminder of the wound that is still bleeding freely. It still catches my eye and all I can do is sit and stare at the picture and remember all the dreams I had for my little boy.

There are still mornings where everything comes rushing back like a recent nightmare.

A couple people have asked how my faith is doing in the middle of all this. One person even said that this was just more proof that 'my God' wasn't here.

My belief in God never wavered, my faith in Him did. I know that God is there, He's been too much a part of my life, I've seen to many things to ever doubt that God exists. At the same time there was a point when I questioned if I wanted to continue to offer my life to a God who takes a child this way. I was never angry at God for taking Christopher, I am still angry at God for not saving Chris though. I believe in miracles, I've seen them, I've felt them, and I'm still upset that God chose this moment not perform one.

At the same time I know there is a reason, I may never know what that reason is, but it's there none the less. Knowing and understanding are not the same though. I can say I doubt I will ever understand why I had to lose my baby boy. I will never understand the pain that this loss has caused to so many.

I also know that God knows I'm angry at Him, and being the forgiving God that He is, He is okay with that. God isn't going to hold my anger against me, no matter how long I hold Him responsible for it.

There are two things that help bring me some calm from the storm I feel raging inside of me right now. One is my husband, without Kelley I doubt I would be here now. I am so thankful that of all the people in his life he chose to be with me. I hate to bring my pain to Kelley because I know it freshly opens the wound for him, so most of the time I don't, but I know when I do he'll be there for me.

The other thing is knowing that there will be a time when I get to see my son again. God has given that promise. All I can do until that point is live my life to be the type of person my son would be proud of. I wonder what Chris will look like on that day? What color are his eyes? What color is his hair?

The last words of my prayers at night are asking God to take care of my son. To make sure that Christopher knows I love him, and I miss him, and that he will never be forgotten. I pray that Chris knows that no matter how brief his life here on Earth was, that he changed the lives of many forever.