Monday, November 23, 2009

It shouldn't happen to anyone. . .

One of the things I decided after we lost our Christopher was that his death would never be for nothing. I chose to reach out and do my best to help others who lose their babies, it was the smallest thing that I could do. I know the pain in a way that someone who has never felt this loss knows it. No one out there who has not lost a child, a baby, knows how it feels the way those that have experienced the loss do.

There is a woman I met who lost her baby very close to our loss of Christopher, and we supported each other through it. Her loss was her second loss, but I can't imagine that the pain gets easier the second time around. We both ended up getting pregnant again, and were both due in June together. I really hoped this would be it for us, we would get to bring these babies home. I can never regret losing Christopher - not knowing that his death lead to this life growing inside of me. Not knowing that Christopher changed my life and that losing him has helped me to help others.

I found out today that she lost her baby. She was supposed to be ten weeks, the baby was only measuring around nine, and there was no heart beat. It seems such a cruel thing - I don't know that I have the strength in me to lose another baby, and to know that there are people out there that go through one loss after another hurts my heart in a way I can't describe.

No one should lose a baby, I just can't even think of the words to say to explain how much this hurts me. I know there is a chance this baby won't get to stay, but I try not to think about that. I've decided to love this baby even knowing Squish might not get to stay. I plan on loving Squish every second that they are here - however long that is, because I know that I don't get to choose how long that is.

I just ask that for those that can, say a small prayer. Say a prayer for those who have lost little ones, because that is a pain that never goes away. Pray for those who are pregnant and that they get to bring their babies home, happy and healthy. Pray for those who God is going to chose their babies time here is short - pray God gives them the strength in both heart and faith to make it through this.

I know my faith was questioned, and we just suffered one loss, I can't imagine where my heart would go if I have to deal with more than one.

I don't know if this makes sense to anyone - I just wish there was more that I could do, or say.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Updates on Squish and I

I've been intentionally not blogging about the baby and I for the past little bit. Things haven't been 'peachy' and there have been a few issues.

Last Sunday just before church service I experienced very sharp pains that felt like someone was taking a knife and stabbing me. No big deal. Then Monday I had some bleeding, the same with Tuesday AM so I went in to see Dr. Edwards. Dr. Edwards did an exam and said that everything looked good internally - that my cervix was closed up good. At the same time (and I HATE this word) he was concerned about the 'viability' of the pregnancy. He was glad they had been able to pick up the heartbeat at my visit with the high risk OB. At the same time he said that doing an ultrasound that day wouldn't show enough of a change to be picked up. He said the growth of the baby would be what helped show the viability. So I had to wait and hope and pray that the dark brown blood that was still going on was nothing. He did see me again on Monday and ordered and ultrasound then.

Let me just say that the ultrasound definitely made me feel better. Squish is measuring fine. They did get a much more accurate measurement after doing an internal ultrasound - I was measuring 7 weeks exactly on the 9th. It moved my due date to June 28th. They did say that would change as the baby grew though. But June 28th went exactly with my dates (off 8 days from the doctors dates).

They were able to pick up Squish's heartbeat again, another great relief. Squish was measuring at .97cm - it's amazing to think that the baby went from less than a pinhead to almost a centimeter already. The ability of the human body to reproduce astounds me. Even more so knowing that it's the love between Kelley and I is what has created this life, it's incredible to me to know that once again there is a little tiny person inside of me that is part Kelley and part me.

Here are the ultrasound photo's.

November 9, 2009
If you look at the picture closely you can see Squish's head all the way to the right. Wrapping under and to the right of him is the 'fetal pole' - if you look at it just right you can see the beginnings of Squish's legs, more like little flippers right now. Squish also had little fins of arms there too.

November 9, 2009
Again, Squish. The two little star thingies are the points that they use to measure the fetal length - basically the length of fetal pole - to determine how old the baby is and get the measurement. This is the length that gave Squish the length of .97cm

November 9, 2009
The other ultrasound image. At the bottom - the lines - the line that is intermittent is Squish's heartbeat. I'm technically not supposed to have the heartbeat on paper - something about people suing the hospitals over it or something.

I'd also like to add that it was quite the reunion today. The first woman who was going to do the ultrasound and got called away was the woman who did the ultrasound of my gallbladder back in May when I ended up needing the stomach surgery.

The woman that ended up actually doing the ultrasound - and giving me images they don't normally give out - ended up in tears. When she walked in to do the ultrasound I remembered her, and she remembered me. Her first words were 'so how did you get here today?' I asked her what she meant - and she asked if they had managed to do a rescue cerclage - and wasn't the baby due around now. She thought I was in there to get my cervix measure and that this was Christopher. She ended up crying when she realized that we'd lost Christopher and that this was a different baby. She said that she had hoped there would be a different ending for us. At the same time she revealed to me that people don't understand how she can do what she does - she miscarried 9 times and was unable to ever carry a baby to term. She also hoped that she would be the main one measuring my cervical length every few weeks once the cerclage is put in. Once she found out I was there for bleeding and scared to death she was as nervous as me, and as happy as me when Squish was doing fine.

She did see some fluid in there - she said probably blood - that might signify having a cyst that ruptured - which would explain the sharp pains before the bleeding. At the same time she couldn't tell me much, I have a follow up appointment with Dr. Edwards tomorrow so hopefully he'll be able to tell me more.

Regardless, knowing that Squish is measuring fine, the heart is beating great is such a huge relief. I'll deal with whatever God sends my was if it means bringing a happy, healthy baby home in June. I'll lay in bed for the next 7 months if I need to in order to bring Squish home.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Not just us.

So one of the things I'm learning lately is that while this year has been hard for Kelley and I it's been just as hard for so many other people this year. We've dealt with losing our child, losing my grandpa, lost jobs, car accidents, house fires, car robberies, one thing after another.

In our own pain it's so easy to just sit and stare at the broken pieces scattered all around us, trying to figure out what glue will even begin to put the mess back together. Sometimes we are so preoccupied with putting our lives back together that we never stop to look around. It's so easy to see our lives in wreckage, and wonder why.

It's so easy to never look up, never look around, never look very closely at the lives of those around us. Sometimes, if we do manage to look up, we notice that there are others who lives are broken. Sometimes if you look close enough, if you take the time to care when YOUR world has crumbled, you'll notice theirs shattered. Your pieces are HUGE compared to what's left of theirs. How could you be blinded by the mess of your life, and never have seen the moment when theirs came falling down too?

I've learned in my life that there are times when prayer fixes everything. There are simple times when you beg for God to fix things, and He simply does. There are times when all God want's is us to come to Him in prayer, times when He wants to know that WE KNOW He can fix it.

Then there are times when God doesn't want us to wait for the fix. There are times when God won't "make everything better". There are times when what God want's from us is to hit our knees. That's just what we need. There are times when we forget that God knows what's best in our lives, and what our purpose here is. Sometimes what God wants from us is simply to say "God I don't get it. God I may never understand why you've brought this upon me. God, this hurts, and I can't see the other side of the storm my life is in, but God I KNOW there is a reason. God I'm on my knees, and I can't see the solution to what's going on. God I'm going to praise You anyway. God I'm lifting my heart to you, and if this is what You ask of me, then God I'm going to accept it and know you'll carry me through."

One of the things I've learned this year is that it's true - God won't give you a cross to heavy to carry. At the same time, there are moments I wish He didn't have so much faith in me.

I've said this in so many places, to so many people lately. It's so easy to thank God when our lives are great. It's so great to tell others, "God has a plan" when it's their life that's hard. It's so easy to give thanks until God tries our hearts and our faith. Sometimes I think it's the moments when our lives are in ruin that God shows us the truth of our faith. Faith isn't praising God when times are good. Faith is praising God when times are not just bad, but miserable.

I've learned this year that yes, Kelley and I have had a really crappy year in some places. In other places the both of us our still standing. Kelley has a job, we still have a place to live, our friends are still there, we still have our car to get from point A to point B, we have yet to go hungry, we may have lost our son but we will get to see our Christopher again one day, we may have lost our first baby but God has given us another life and shown us there WAS a reason for losing our Christopher.

Life hasn't been easy this year for us, but for some the fire we've been walking on would feel like sweet cool grass after walking barefoot through hell.