The good (great, amazing, scary) news

I really wanted to wait to post this until I spoke to everyone in person, but it appears it's just not going to work out that way. There are some people at church I wanted to tell face to face, not via email, phone call, or blog. At the same time with Kelley and I both being miserable sick (apparently me more miserable, him more sick) I can't promise when we will be back at church. We just aren't wanting to go in and risk getting people sick over things.

Kelley went in on Thursday and was told he has pneumonia or bronchitis. I'm really sick too. I kept telling myself if I'm not better on Monday I'll call and make an appointment. Friday it was like duh, I'm going in for my first OB appointment.

Not a gyn appointment an OB appointment. I'd had feelings for awhile that I was pregnant, not symptoms, just this 'I'm pregnant' seed planted in my head. I told Annette at one point that it was going to suck when my period came because I really felt that I was pregnant. I did something really stupid and took a pregnancy test four days early - I saw a pink line. I've taken enough pregnancy tests to know what a negative test looks like. You would think I wouldn't have quite so much trouble going okay, this is not a negative test, so that means it's positive. Instead I look at a positive test and start thinking I'm imagining the pink line, so I hide it away. I test the next day, and get a definite positive, and once again think I'm imagining things. So, I figure I'm in this deep, I pull out the digital pregnancy that came with my ovulation strips, and sit and stare at the 'pregnant' for about ten minutes before it comes through to me "you're actually pregnant".

So, my husband probably wanted to kill me, but I didn't tell him first. The first person I told was Annette - since we were hanging out all day, and I had to tell SOMEONE. Plus she's my best friend so that helps. I made plans to somehow manage to hold my tongue and decided to not tell Kelley until our anniversary. Lets just say he didn't go to school that night like he was supposed to and it was pure torture sitting there not telling him.

For our anniversary I picked out a sterling silver 1g memory stick key chain. Kelley loves key chains and as you all know he loves computer stuff. Once I found out I was pregnant I had all these plans of taking pictures of letters saying stuff about this year, the good and the bad. I was going to make him plug the memory stick in - view the pictures - and the last would mention the pregnancy. He was so sick though that I didn't have the heart to make him plug the stick in.

Instead, I stayed up till midnight (I couldn't hold in telling him anymore), woke him up to let him know. I told him it would be worth it. I gave him the pen set I'd gotten him first. I could see the look in his face "she woke me up at midnight for a pen set?" I told him that wasn't the good present. Next was the key chain. I really thought I did a good job with the key chain. He opened it up and had the look, he was trying to hide, "this is a little better, but I'm sick as a dog and she woke me up at midnight for it?" He did tell me it was a very thoughtful gift. I feel better about it because he's actually using it, still not sure he actually likes it. It might be a pity thing now, you know, the whole "she got, I might as well make her think I like it". Once again I told him that wasn't the best gift, and promised him it was worth it.

I gave him the anniversary card - I had wrote all the good and bad stuff this year. January - Papa passing away, definitely bad, I still miss him. March - Finding out we were having Christopher - a huge plus. March - Mom and Gino coming to Arizona, fun. July - The house fire, losing Christopher, June -mom and dad being in the car accident, brothers losing their jobs all that. That the year had had it's ups and downs, but I really felt things were starting to look up.

"November - we found out we were expecting another baby." You could see when he hit that point in the card because his whole changed. He sort of shook his head, looked at it again to make sure he'd read it write. Turned to me with this incredible look and said "really?" I have to tell you I'll have a dozen kids if I can keep getting that incredible look from him. There is no greater moment than seeing that type of joy and love and hope all bundled into one look from the person you love.

We are both thrilled. I'm pretty sure we are both also scared to pieces. For me it's a huge batch of mixed emotions that I'm pretty sure I'll have forever. I'm so glad to have this new life growing inside of me. I'm so amazed to know that once again there is a life that is part Kelley, part me, growing inside of me.

At the same time I know that had Christopher lived, this amazing life wouldn't be here. I would either still be pregnant and carrying him, or would be on some form of birth control and taking care of a new baby. There is no way that this baby would be here had we not lost Christopher. I wish that there was some way I could have both of my babies here with me. It's such a bittersweet thing to know that Christopher's passing is what made this life possible. It gives such a huge meaning to losing him, the reason I'd been praying God would show me.

I have my first OB appointment, as I mentioned, on Monday. This is with Dr. Edwards, the doctor that helped me through having (and needing) the stomach surgery while I was pregnant with Christopher. I'm hoping for all my appointments at Sun Life I can have them with either Dr. Edwards or Dr. Leeds (the doctor who helped me through losing our Christopher). I'm not sure how many questions Dr. Edwards will be able to answer, and know they are going to refer me to a high risk OB. I'll put my list of questions on here, tomorrow maybe. Right now I think it's just over 50.

Please keep this new baby, Kelley and I in your prayers. Please pray that God lets us keep this baby with us here. I know that one day I'll get to see dear Christopher again, and spend eternity with him, but I would love to bring a child here for us to raise and love.

Right now it's small goals - making it to the first OB appointment was one. The first high risk OB appointment is another. Getting to see the baby's heart beat on ultrasound is the next. After that making it to the cerclage. Then to the second trimester. Next finding out whether it's a girl or a boy. 22 weeks is another goal, getting past the point where we lost Christopher. 24 weeks was the magic week number the people at the hospital kept talking about, the point where there is a chance of saving the baby if they are born, they use the word "viable". After that it's the 27 or 28 weeks, the point where most babies live if they are born after. After that, the longer the baby stay's in the better for them.

Thank you, to everyone, who has prayed for Kelley and I. Thank you to those who have continued to think of us, it means so much more than any words can say. Thank you in advance for the prayers I know will be said for us and this baby.