Bad News

I'm going to apologize first for the fact that this is one big mass email, but this isn't something I have it in me to type up more than once. There are many of you that I would rather send personalized messages to, and who deserve it, but I just can't do it.

On July 4, 2009 at 12:51am, Kelley and my son, Christopher Allen Doern came into this world and left it.

For those who want to know, and know enough to understand what I'm going to say, here is what happened (it might be a little descriptive for some, and lengthy, but I'm detaching myself from it as I write):

Thursday morning I had bleeding and headed into the OB triage at the local hospital. The first thing that the doctors did was order an ultrasound - you may know that the ultrasound tech's can't tell you a thing, sort of like xray tech's have to have a radiologist look at them and a doctor or similiar give you results. While the tech was doing the ultrasound - you could tell something was wrong, and at one point she looked downright scared. After the ultrasound the doctor came in and let me know what they discovered: Christopher was breached (upside down to how they prefer), that my cervix had dilated to 3 - it shouldn't have been open at all. They also found that part of my amniotic fluid sac (the sac of liquid the baby floats in) had come through the cervix and was hanging out into my vaginal opening - very very bad, at one point it was completely outside of the vagina all together. The amniotic fluid levels that Christopher was floating in was measured at an 8. The time when the tech looked scared - Chris had kicked his foot right through my cervix.The lowest that a baby can survive in is a six. The best news that we were given was that the babies heart was beating at 160 - which is great.

The doctors here in Casa Grande immediately called a larger hospital in Tucson and several high risk OB's for more options. Basically the same thing was said all around - I should be induced immediately to start labor, knowing the baby wouldn't make it, because there is a huge risk of infection from the sac hanging out. The doctor there told me what they thought - it wasn't good enough of an option for me. So, I asked what we could do to give the baby and God a chance to try to fix things. We wouldn't allow ourselves to give up without giving God and Chris a chance for a miracle. We couldn't willing go ahead and induce knowing that Chris was too young, even with all the miracles and leaps in technology, to make it.

My question was if the sac had moved in so much, couldn't we try to give it a chance to go back in? The OB here, seemed surprised that I was willing to risk so much, and unwilling to just give up. She took a comment I'd made - that I would be willing to stand on my head the rest of the pregnancy to keep Christopher in place, and my question that couldn't we try to allow it to fix itself, so we would attempt to put my head lower than the rest of me, allowing gravity to pull the sac back into place. I wasn't allowed to sit up, stand, walk, or move very much, for risk of both breaking open the fluid sac (having my water break), increasing the chance of infection (by the doctors opinion it was already too high), or having the sac come even further out. Kelley and I spent the entire day praying for a miracle, and some good news.

The greatest thing at the time was that every single time they checked Chris' heart was beating strong, letting us know he was fighting for his life too. The doctors and nurses were all cheering for us at every check. Also, they were checking my temperature very often, and my white blood cell count, both things that would show if I had an infection - and things looked good.

Friday afternoon they did another ultrasound - and things had gotten worse. The amniotic sac was further out, even with all the fluid they were pumping into me there was even less fluid, I was at a 7 now. My white blood cell count had also risen - and my temp too.

My doctor at the time wanted to double check the comparisons to make sure, and make some calls. She spent probably four hours on the phone with other doctors and looking for anything new on the web.

The doctor came in later and let us know she'd looked everywhere and gotten second, third, and fourth opinions, and everyone agreed, we were gambling my life, and my chances to ever have children in the future. The high risk doctors were upset that they hadn't forced us to induce already. They offered to lifeflight me to Tucson for the induction, in case I would feel safer there, but Tucson would induce me the moment they got me there.

All we could do was accept the fact that there wasn't a choice. If it had been me or Christopher, even though I know Kelley wouldn't have approved of it, I would have given me for Christopher in a heart beat. That choice didn't exist, it was Chris, or Chris and myself. Without any other option we asked our pastor to
come, and a few friends came to the hospital as well.

Kelley and I had to then do the hardest thing either of us has ever faced, tell the doctors we were as ready as we were going to be for induction, knowing that our child, the miracle we'd been praying for eight years, Christopher, wouldn't live. We were going to start the end of Christophers life, and that heart beat we'd been so happy to hear each time would stop beating because of it.

So, as I said, at 12:51AM Christopher Allen Doern was born into this world, and God took him into His arms. Apparently as much as we wanted this child, God wanted Chris with Him more.

I am now out of the hospital. Kelley and I are doing as well as I think we can under these circumstances. I am not showing signs of infection as of yet. Unless I develop and infection I should be able to get pregnant again in the future.


For those who would like to know, we were allowed private time with Christopher, and we do have photo's, the hospital also took some, and once we can handle it to look at them long enough to download them, they will be posted on our baby blog. When that will be I do not know.